Why does Ex suddenly want more time now that he has a new partner?
A common story told by those who have divorced abusive and controlling men is that they did minimal parenting – or wanted minimal parenting time – UNTIL a new partner entered the dynamic.
Many women have had their exes, who barely took the custodial time they already had, file modifications once they were in a new relationship. All of a sudden they claimed to want 50/50 custody. They also blamed the ex-wife for keeping the children from him and interfering with their relationship.
I have a few theories for why abusive and controlling men want more custody when they have a new partner:
1. The new partner has heard how horrible the ex wife is and is trying to save ex and their kids from her. Ex tells stories about ex to discredit her very early in the relationship. He doesn’t actually need her to do anything – he is just protecting himself and claiming victim hood so that his lack of parenting is justified. But the new partner can’t understand not acting so takes the fight on herself.
2. The new girlfriend NEEDS the stories about the ex wife to be true. If they aren’t true, then their new partner is a POS, and they would have to confront the reality of picking a bad partner.
3. The enmeshment between ex and his new partner is extensive. Just like when we were with them, there is little space between ex’s identity and his partner’s. She has to take on all of his injustices because they have also become her injustices.
There are a few ways to deal with a new partner.
1. Recognize that this is a very predictable situation. I knew that I had the biggest opportunity to make changes to our order when X was unpartnered.
2. Recognize that you cannot convince the new partner that ex is abusive. She will have heard horror stories about you from the very beginning and believe you are crazy or abusive yourself. She has to believe these things to stay in a relationship that feels so affirming to her at that time.
3. Profile the new partner. You are no longer dealing just with your ex’s disordered thinking. You now have to consider their relationship dynamic, her financial resources, her savior complex, etc. You need to understand her motivations so you are in a better place to negotiate.
4. Refuse to engage with her. I told myself early on that I would not meet a new partner. This pissed off my mediator who thought I could help create consistency between households if I worked with the new partner instead of him. But this absolves our ex of the parenting responsibilities they claim to want. If I filed for a modification, it would have been easy for him to blame her instead of the court seeing his actions for what they were.
5. I had a default email I would use for the new partner when she would try to insert herself in our relationship: “I appreciate your concern and efforts to help. However, I prefer to communicate directly with X in regards to our children in order to avoid any confusion. Thank you for understanding.”
This is another situation where it is a lose-lose for you. If you engage, you are stuck in a triangle and setting yourself up for a 2 against 1 battle. If you don’t engage, you are blamed for not being nice and playing the role of good ex-wife. Society will sell you a narrative of bonus moms and happy blended families. And for situations where there isn’t abuse, that is lovely. For us, that is a fairy tale. It’s not a bonus mom. It’s a bonus nightmare. Refuse to be a part of the triangle.