I was reading a question this morning in one of the divorced parent groups I am a part of. A woman was asking questions about custody orders on behalf of her boyfriend. I presume that this man is a fully grown, competent individual capable of getting answers to his legal questions *if he wanted to.* I don’t know him or the situation, but I do know many men who pretend to be clueless in order to get women to do the emotional and physical labor necessary to accomplish some goal for them. And given the pervasiveness of this issue, I have to believe that we, as women, have been socialized to bear this burden and do this work.
When my oldest son was in preschool many moons ago, I remember coming back from a trip I had taken. I didn’t take many trips, to be honest, in part because I was afraid that the world would fall apart if I did. But I had also been sick at the time, and I occasionally had to fly to see a specialist. I walked into the preschool class the next day, and the teacher came up to me. She said, “I knew you were out of town. [Son] came to school with a lunch box full of cheese.” That was it. Just cheese. We laughed at X’s inability to pack a lunch.
A couple of years later, X and my oldest son went on a school camping trip. The parents were supposed to bring food for themselves. I wasn’t participating, and I was in the midst of a million other projects. X just didn’t bring anything. So they didn’t eat. I felt guilty that I had let my son down and not done the work that X was fully capable of doing.
Near the end of our marriage, I once again went out of town. The boys had scheduled haircuts. X didn’t take them. He claims he forgot, despite the 10 text messages I sent reminding him, including shortly before the appointments.
I have dozens of these examples, of times when X needed to be the adult and take some small amount of responsibility for participating in the goings on in our life. And he just didn’t. For a decade, I thought that X was just clueless, that he needed a guiding hand to help him figure out how to adult. I didn’t ever really consider that it was deliberate. But it was deliberate, a fact that became clearer during our divorce and “co-parenting” years. I believe that X packed the cheese and forgot the haircuts on purpose. He didn’t want me to leave or go on vacation or have any life beyond him. So he messed up on purpose so that I wouldn’t ask him to take any responsibility. The more overwhelmed I was with tasks, the less time I had to consider how unhealthy the relationship was.
This is Weaponized Incompetence. According to Choosing Therapy, “Weaponized incompetence is a poorly executed action or behavior that someone does on purpose, while appearing to do so out of incompetence. The goal of this tactic is to make oneself look like they are incapable of performing an action, therefore removing ownership and accountability for the action being completed.”
It’s really important to talk about the removal of ownership and accountability because I believe it is at the root of a lot of this behavior (in addition to be used as manipulation). In the first example of the woman asking questions about her partner’s custody battle, if she takes on all of the labor and does the work, but it ultimately fails and he does not get custody, she can be blamed. It’s on her. She got the advice. She led him astray. (I do not believe this, of course, but this is how it is twisted.) He can deflect all responsibility for the consequences because he was not the one who pursued the information or ultimately followed through. And with toxic individuals, they are either the Hero or the Victim. If it works out, they can take ownership and be the hero. If it doesn’t, they are the victim of their partner’s controlling ways. Never mind that their pretend incompetence is the reason she stepped in at all. And in the example of X not packing food for a camping trip, I am the one left feeling guilty. I don’t want my son to suffer, so I take on more and more and more tasks and responsibility – to the point of exhaustion.
How to respond to Weaponized Incompetence?
When we move out of toxic and abusive relationships, it can be really hard to let go of the roles that we have been forced into, including doing everything for our ex-partners. But we must. In terms of those partners, as long as we keep doing for them, even if it’s to protect our children, we make it much harder for the court to intervene. All they see is our control, not the unwillingness of the other parent to step up. The court couldn’t see that his “incompetence” was a way to control me and keep me stuck. X knew that I cared about my kids and would step in. But he could then twist the narrative to show me “interfering” in his custodial time. I had to be willing to let him fall on his face (and ultimately I did that even though it made my children’s lives temporarily more difficult).
So, if you find yourself constantly doing for someone else and are frustrated by that work, what can you do? I’d start by asking yourself a couple of questions:
At some point you have to let go. You have to draw a circle around yourself and around that other person and assign ownership of yourself to you and ownership of their responsibilities to them. They might fail. Or at least fail to act. It still doesn’t make it your responsibility to fix their life.
One final thought:
I have found for myself – and I imagine this is true for others – that because I was so conditioned to “help,” this was a pattern not just in my abusive marriage. Learning how to stop myself from intervening when someone (including my children) was capable of doing a task has been an ongoing lesson. If I step in, I am preventing that person from learning from mistakes and feeling good about accomplishing hard things. But I am also preventing myself from getting the important information I might need about a person and a relationship if I am constantly doing things to prevent their discomfort. You need to see how people deal with adversity. You need to see how they manage tasks that are difficult. And if it is a new partner in a difficult custody fight, you really need information to help you discern where the problem truly lies.
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I remember telling X that I wanted a divorce. I then went to an attorney thinking that they would tell me what to do. Instead, they waited for me to tell them. But I knew NOTHING about how the system worked. I was relying on the attorney to tell me how to proceed. And honestly, I thought I would share the timeline of abuse and threats, and he would rush into action to protect me and the kids.
Instead, he told me that I needed to “give X a chance to be a dad.” What?! I had given him a chance to be a dad. He sucked at it. And then he had threatened to kill me. Surely, we weren’t going to send the kids off unsupervised with this unstable person.
But that’s what happened. That’s what the courts told me was normal. That is the system we have created.
So for those new to divorce or considering separation and divorce, here is a little primer on how the process goes. Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. I am a protective mom who has walked through the process and helps other protective moms. Questions about the specifics of your legal case should be run through your attorney.
After you tell your partner that you want a divorce (or after they tell you they want a divorce), one party typically moves out of the marital home. This has changed some in the last several years with both parties continuing to live together. In high conflict cases where there is alleged abuse, this is probably not the best option for your mental health, but I understand why some people do this. If you have filed an order of protection, the terms of the separation and contact will be a little different and will be addressed in another post.
There are several ways to go through the divorce:
Separation Agreements
In some states (Virginia for example), parties are required to be separated for a year prior to filing for divorce (yay antiquated laws that force moral judgement and marriage on people). If you have an abusive partner, this year can be full of love bombing to try to get you to reconsider. It is important for you to educate yourself on controlling behaviors and the abuse cycle in order to protect yourself during this time!
Depending on how your partner views this process as well as their desire to create chaos and conflict, even getting a separation agreement can be challenging. But, if you can get one, it can lay out a plan for temporary custody while the divorce is ongoing as well as define living arrangements, financial obligations, and debt. Anything that may be addressed in the final court order for the divorce can basically be addressed in the separation agreement (and then later, the parties can use that agreement as the basis for the divorce, again depending on the parties’ states of mind).
So, you’ve decided to divorce. One of you has moved out. You’ve consulted an attorney. Now what?
Your attorney will draft a complaint essentially that lays out the facts that are relevant for the divorce. Things that might be included in the filing:
The complaint will also ask for relief. This is where you need to be specific with your attorney about what you want. Even if it is a default 50/50 state, you can ask for something else and tell your attorney to fight for that arrangement. No, you might not get it, but you are the client and can tell your attorney what matters to you. Relief might include:
If there is no separation agreement and no stipulated agreement – an agreement both parties agree to and file with the court, then one party can file for temporary custody orders. If there is a belief that the child(ren) are at risk, you can file for an emergency custody hearing, but you must be able to show that there is the possibility of harm. If you believe your children are in harm but your attorney is shrugging, remember that you are the client and tell your attorney to file an emergency motion. Again, it might get denied, but it won’t be you sending your child into harm’s way. The court can’t later blame you for the visit (not that the court will take responsibility either).
Temporary custody orders are specific to custody and set out the terms of custody and visitation while other matters and the divorce are being decided. You will have a hearing on the motion that is filed (that will again contain facts supporting the desired relief and the custody schedule you believe is best for your children). This hearing will be much shorter than the eventual divorce, but you will likely still present some evidence about why you are asking for less than 50/50. Many times, these requests for temporary orders also include an affidavit or certification. My affidavits often were a couple of pages long and read something like:
For this example, I would have asked for overnights to be suspended until a final hearing. In the affidavit, you only want to include facts, not emotions.
Mediation
In most cases, a judge will order both parties to mediation. They do not want to hear these cases and believe that everyone is sane and healthy and should be able to come to an agreement. Obviously, we know that isn’t true. But, they will send you off to a mediator anyway to try to get you to some agreement. Usually, this means that the victim of abuse gives in to the demands of an abuser. But, you can negotiate with a narcissist, no matter what anyone tells you.
Scheduling and Status Hearings
After you have filed for divorce, the other party will have a chance to answer that claim. Then the judge will hold a scheduling conference with both attorneys (or representatives from both sides). They will schedule the final hearing as well as deadlines and status hearings along the way. The status hearing can be an update after mediation or can be closer to the actual hearing once the attorneys have submitted their theories of the case. A lot of these hearings are again intended to get you to settle.
Discovery and Interrogatories
You will be asked to provide evidence in the form of discovery for your claims in the complaint that is filed. Evidence can be text, photos, emails, therapy notes, report cards, medical notes, audio files etc. This has to be provided to the other party. They will also send you a list of items that they want you to provide, which can include emails, texts to other people (including your friends and parents), social media posts, etc. You will also help your attorney come up with a list of items to request from your ex that you want to look through that you think will help build your case. Remember, anything in writing that isn’t communication with your attorney can be discoverable. You will also send a list of questions – and be sent a list of questions – to answer for the other side.
Depositions
Depositions are often scheduled as a way to get additional information from the other side prior to court. During a deposition, you are sworn in just like you would be in court. Transcripts from the depositions can then be entered into evidence during the hearing.
The hearing
You will finally have a hearing after what feels like 17,000 years. This is when you will present your evidence. You will likely be called to testify as will your ex. You will be cross examined by the other side, who will likely not treat you nicely. You would also call any witnesses, forensic accountants, forensic psychologists, or expert witnesses to bolster your case.
Final Order
After your hearing, the judge will issue a document called “Facts and Findings” where they assert what is true about your case. This document can be enraging if you know that your ex lied, and your judge writes it as truth in the facts and findings, which is an official court record. My judge called me controlling for asking X to adhere to the court order and to use bug spray when he is very allergic to mosquitoes. It’s been years, and I still won’t read the entire document!
The final order will spell out the details of your divorce, but more specifically, the details regarding custody. This will become your guiding document and the rules that you live under for better or worse until the kid ages out of the system or you file for a modification.
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There are a multitude of personalities when it comes to Family Law Attorneys. Some are kind and ethical. Those of us who have been through family court and work in this field know that MANY are not. In fact, one researcher argues that lawyers are the second most sought after career for sociopaths.
My ex-husband’s attorney was, at best, a bully. He was aggressive when cross-examining me, at one point intimating that I was a bitch. When my attorney sent him documents, he claimed to have never gotten them, which the court then used against me. He changed law firms in the middle of our case, going to a firm I had consulted with. I asked my attorney to conflict him out at that point, but she didn’t. My attorney was not aggressive. I would argue that she was incompetent or lazy.
Which brings me to the question today of conflicting out attorneys.
When you hire an attorney, the law firm (should) run a conflict of interest check. This means that they cannot represent you if they also represent the opposing party, even if it is in a non-related case. So if you are divorcing your husband, but they helped him form his LLC, for example, that would be seen as a conflict of interest. Both parties can agree to ignore that conflict, but that’s not really in your best interest.
If you ask around your area, you can probably find out the reputation of certain law firms and lawyers. If a lawyer or firm is known for aggressive – or possibly even sketchy – behaviors, you might decide that you don’t want your ex to have that attorney… because that means those behaviors would be directed toward you. If your ex is a narcissist or a sociopath, your legal battle will be hard enough. You don’t need the opposing attorney making it worse (or giving them advice like “fight for 50/50” even if your ex doesn’t want it). Because of the increasing usage of parental alienation, you also should consider looking up local law firms that represent clients who have been “alienated” and who recommend reunification therapy. You probably do not want your ex using those attorneys!
Before you hire an attorney, you can often get a consultation with an attorney to determine the right fit for you. You might decide that you want the aggressive, potentially narcissistic attorney representing you. I found that my ex and his attorney responded better to an assertive man than a more passive woman (yay, misogyny). Firms and states have different rules about conflicts of interest, but if you consult with an attorney and give him private information that you would use in the divorce, theoretically, that firm should not then represent your ex. Even if they could argue that there is no actual conflict, they might not want to take that chance that they could be removed from the case.
TDLR; Before you file for divorce or custody modification, research attorneys in your area and schedule consultations with several law firms so that you can find the right fit for you – while also possibly conflicting them out for your ex to use against you!
* Reminder: I am not a lawyer. This is not legal advice. This is simply information that we have learned along the way!
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Dear Brooke,
My kids visit their dad every other weekend. Last weekend, my eight year old son came home from the visit calling me a bitch and said that I was a manipulator. I am so hurt and confused. What can I do to make this stop?
Signed,
A Confused Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
First, I want to tell you that what is happening is a lot to hold onto. It is heartbreaking to hear our children say such awful things about us, even if we know the true source of those words.
I also want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us who have been through this know how you are feeling and the tough spot you find yourself in.
If you’ll indulge me for a minute, I’d like to tell you about my own two boys and how we navigated this exact same issue. The first time X exercised his extended vacation time over Spring Break was two years after our separation. It was the first time the kids had been away from me for a week. My youngest son had just turned six and was in Kindergarten. When I picked him up from the visit, he got into the car and immediately called me a “bitch.” I had spent the week without him trying to distract myself because I missed my kids so much, and the first thing he did was call me a hateful name that my ex had weaponized for years during our marriage. (This came up in our custody modification, and as much as the court pretends to care about one parent maligning the other, I have found they do not, especially when it is the father calling the mother names.)
For the next two years, I tried everything I could think of to correct this behavior. One of the police officers during one of our criminal investigations told me that I needed to make him stop doing this. I thought that was cute given how little law enforcement and the courts had done to protect my children from the person who was teaching them the behavior. It was my job to stop it, apparently.
But then I did something different.
When the same child was seven or eight, he came home from another weekend visit and told my mother that “mommy is the manipulator.” The kids had said their dad told them that and said that the judge agreed. So I asked my son what a manipulator was. “I don’t know,” he responded. So I leaned in, and I whispered, “I am a manipulator.” He looked shocked. I pulled up the dictionary on my phone and I read aloud the definition. Do you know what the second definition of manipulator is? It’s “a person who handles or controls something skillfully.” I am ABSOLUTELY a manipulator. I told him that we use the word manipulate to talk about moving a pencil and that I was great at manipulating a pencil. Do I understand that wasn’t what X meant? Sure. But, in that moment, it wasn’t about being right about whether my ex or me was the manipulator in the relationship. It was about finding a way to stop making my son feel like he was having to hold two realities at once.
I can’t tell you how much of a difference this made for him. He relaxed. He laughed. The burden was removed from his small shoulders. He even went back to his dad and told him that I had agreed I was the manipulator. It sucked all of the power out of my ex’s machinations. It gave me control. My son is now 11, and we just talked about this the other day. He told me how relieved it made him.
We are the adults in this situation. And we CANNOT control our toxic ex partners. We cannot make them do the right thing. We cannot make them put our children at the forefront of the situation. We cannot make them stop trying to hurt us and stop using the kids to do so. So WE have to do something different. And for a lot of our kids, trying to get them to see one of their parents as disordered is incredibly unhelpful, even if, at some point, we need to guide them through the truth. Those kids’ brains know that they have to continue to see this parent. They do not have the luxury of believing that this dangerous person is dangerous. Not if they want to survive it. Set boundaries with them so that they know that name calling isn’t ok, but also give them an out. Find a way to diffuse the situation so that they aren’t feeling the pressure to pick sides. It will stick with them. And in the end, it will give them the confidence to see THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS that you are the healthy, stable parent.
I’m sending you love, Concerned Parent. You are doing a great job, and you will get through this.
This is a really tricky question with more than one answer. I’m going to try to break down our understanding of what is meant by a high conflict divorce and then also explain what we should be trying to understand about them.
The common meaning of high conflict divorce is a type of divorce where the separating couple experiences intense animosity, disagreements, and disputes. These conflicts can arise from a variety of factors, including financial matters, child custody arrangements, property division, or simply strong negative emotions towards each other.
Most of the time, when someone talks about a high conflict divorce, they perceive it as TWO PEOPLE unable to let go and each of them holding some responsibility in ratcheting up the conflict. Those of us who have lived this experience can attest that it only takes one person to create a high conflict divorce (though I believe there are strategies that the healthy individual can use to diffuse some of that conflict, but the high conflict individual will still try to provoke conflict regardless).
There is an interesting paper trying to define high conflict that I think gives important context to the conversation. I will link the citation at the bottom of the post. They claim that high conflict can be understood through attributes they distinguish as:
Pervasive negative exchanges are characterized by “defensiveness, aggression, and shared rigid and negative portrayals of the other.” The Hostile Emotional Environment factors include strong negative affect, emotional reactivity, lack of safety, triangulation, and mutual distrust.
I think it’s important to say here that as someone who experienced a high conflict relationship and divorce, I can appreciate how this conversation may be triggering and even create defensiveness. This is understandable.
I also think it is important to understand the patterns of conflict so that we can try to dodge them as best we can to 1) present as best we can to the court and avoid looking like an equal contributor and 2) so that we can become more strategic and do a lot of the work outside of the courts.
In a relationship that has gone on for several years, it is likely that the high conflict or personality disordered individual has primed the formerly healthy partner. It creates defensiveness. It creates a need to over-explain and defend. And that looks, to the outside, like it is increasing the conflict. It’s one of the reasons why learning how to respond in a non-emotive way is SO very important.
The courts tend to view high conflict divorce as a relational problem between two maladjusted individuals. To put it more simply, the court thinks you, the healthy, protective parent, are part of the problem. (And maybe you are. But I would argue that protecting your children is a rational and healthy adaptive response and that saying “no” to unrelenting requests is reasonable. But what do I know? I’m just a protective mom.)
It can take years for the court to start to understand that there is one party that is causing a majority of the problems. In my case, it took an allegation of abuse against another person in X’s home that wasn’t X being substantiated before the system stopped accusing me of being the issue. As the researchers described, it is a mutual dislike that is seen as the rationale for the conflict. If you dislike your ex because he abused you or even threatened to kill you, your dislike of him is seen as an equal contributor to the ongoing problem – especially if he puts on the charm and tells the court or evaluator positive things about you. How can he be the problem?
Studies often focus on the conflict as the reasons that children have poor adjustment and outcomes. I would suggest that this is implying causality where correlation is the better model. Do children of parents embattled in high conflict divorces have poor outcomes because of the legal battle? Or is it perhaps that high conflict divorce often is a sign of domestic and interpersonal violence and our children are also victims of abuse?
This seems frustrating. It IS frustrating. And, there are known ways of handling high conflict individuals and high conflict divorces. Many of the people I know who have gotten certified as a high conflict divorce coach have themselves been through it. We want to share our knowledge with you – sometimes because we’ve made mistakes and know better now and sometimes because we’ve figured out ways to disarm the high conflict individual and want to teach you those strategies.
A high conflict divorce coach can do a few things for you:
Citations:
Anderson, Shayne & Anderson, Stephen & Palmer, Kristi & Mutchler, Matthew & Baker, Louisa. (2011). Defining High Conflict. The American Journal of Family Therapy. 39. 11-27. 10.1080/01926187.2010.530194.
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This has been one of those weeks where the reality of family court slams headfirst into logic and common sense. I’ve had a couple of conversations with mothers who believe that the evidence they have of domestic violence and abuse will be enough to protect their children and ensure they have primary custody.
Those of us who have lived in this system will tell you that is not what we see happen day in and day out (that’s not to say that *some* people aren’t able to protect their children). The Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence found that “more than 58,000 children a year are ordered into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce in the United States.”
And it is not necessarily weighted any higher than the other factors. One of the other considerations is the ability to maintain a relationship with (and even speak highly of) the person who abused – or even threatened to kill – you. As I’ve shared elsewhere, my ex husband threatened to strangle me. And I was still admonished by the court for not liking him. The court seemed to take the approach that my not liking him would cause me to make up the story about the strangulation instead of the more logical explanation that his behavior caused me to have deep fear and discomfort around him.
It feels to many of us in the domestic violence system that the courts would rather believe that a mother was making things up than believe the harder truth that a parent would sexually abuse their child. The minute a protective mother goes to the police or the court to get a domestic violence protection order, she is suspect of parental alienation. I will say that again: If you need help leaving a domestic violence situation because your ex might kill you, YOU (the victim) become an immediate suspect in family court.
Joan Meier at the GW Family Violence Law Center published a study in 2019 entitled “Mapping Gender: Shedding Empirical Light on Family Courts’ Treatment of Cases Involving Abuse and Alienation.” The study analyzed over 4,000 custody cases in the United States to examine how family courts handle cases involving allegations of domestic violence and parental alienation. The study found that gender bias may play a role in how courts handle custody cases. Specifically, when fathers raised allegations of alienation, they were more likely to receive custody than mothers who made similar allegations. Additionally, when mothers raised allegations of abuse, they were more likely to lose custody than fathers who were accused of abuse.
In my experience, family court lawyers often dismiss domestic violence claims. Many of them believe in parental alienation – in part because it’s an effective strategy for their male clients. One family law attorney I saw with multiple pages of my children’s allegations told me that we really didn’t know what was happening at my ex’s house with the kids because if we did, we wouldn’t be there (trying to fight for custody). This said to me that if the court believed me and my children there was no way they would allow him unsupervised contact. But the courts just didn’t believe me. Thousands of other protective mothers have discovered similar.
Some states have gone so far as to create a presumptive 50/50 custody statute. Any parent who believes that 50/50 is not in the best interest of a child then has the burden of proof on them to prove why not. This becomes even more challenging because of the laws of evidence. In my case, my ex’s attorney filed a motion requiring strict adherence to the rules of evidence, meaning that any declarations my children made were considered hearsay and inadmissible. The court wouldn’t interview them either, so their voices and stories were ignored, and my concerns were dismissed.
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This sounds dismal, and in some ways it is. But it’s also not hopeless. There are advocacy efforts underway in many states to change and amend the family law statutes to give domestic violence claims greater weight in custodial decisions by family court judges (including Kayden’s Law). There is a growing body of research about gender bias and abuse claims in the courts. And there are those of use who have lived experience in the courts not only speaking out about it but also helping others who are coming behind. I was ultimately able to protect my children. That alone gives me hope that others can too.
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ABSOLUTELY yes.
People will tell you that it is impossible to negotiate with a narcissist, and they are partially right. It is nearly impossible to get a narcissist to compromise on something they know is important to you and will cause chaos and drama to argue about.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. It just means you have to be strategic about doing so.
There is a story that I read after my divorce that sticks with me. A question had been asked on a FB page about strategies for mediating with a personality disordered individual. One woman responded that she had made a HUGE deal about a hairbrush in her divorce. Instead of fighting over the kids, she kept going on and on about this brush. She didn’t actually care about the hairbrush, but the narcissist latched on to this being an important item. So he fought her over it. She ended up leveraging this brush – that she never actually wanted – to get the things she actually did want in the end. Is there something in your situation that you can make up to fight about?
In my own case, I used this a few times (though made the mistake in mediation and our custody modification of thinking that if I just told the other people exactly what I wanted, we could figure it out). I knew that we were up against a situation where ex was saying that abuse allegations were made up. I also knew that eventually a court would try to order counseling for the kids with their dad. He had already snowed a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a forensic psychologist. I was pretty sure he could do the same for the kids’ counselors. And I also knew that counseling with their dad wouldn’t actually be effective. So I would regularly ask him to go to counseling with the kids (like once a month or so). It became a way to control what was being argued over, which helped things stay calmer outside of that one “disagreement.”
Another strategy for negotiating with a narcissist is to appeal to their ego. When you send an email and want them to agree to something, you can add phrases like “I wasn’t sure about the kinds of lunches I needed to pack for [child]. I know that you care about healthy lunches. What do you think we should pack for school?” if the other parent isn’t sending the kids to school with appropriate food. You can even try “Good parents love watching their kids play soccer, and I know you are trying to be a good dad.” You don’t have to believe it. You are just focusing on getting your desired outcome. It’s crucial to frame your negotiations in a way that appeals to the narcissist’s self-interest and reinforces their sense of power and control.
The worst thing you can do when negotiating with a narcissist is to get overly emotional. It’s where the work learning gray rock is important, even if you use a modified version in your regular communications. If you are unemotional, disimpassioned, and neutral during most of the negotiations, but you get emotional in your disagreements over the proverbial hairbrush, then you are setting yourself up to be in more control during the negotiation.
Can you negotiate with a narcissist? Yes. Does it take practice and strategic thinking? Absolutely!
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Parental alienation is a controversial concept that has been used in family courts. To some, parental alienation is a term used to describe a situation in which one parent (or other family member) tries to turn a child against the other parent. This can involve making negative comments about the other parent, telling the child false or misleading information about the other parent, or even preventing the child from having contact with the other parent. Those people often use that term benignly, not understanding the full history of the phrase or the ways that it is used by abusers as a defense. Because of its broad usage, the term has been successfully used to remove children from a protective parent’s custody and given to the abusive parent.
The use of the term “parental alienation” is controversial because it has been criticized for being misused and sometimes used to discount or dismiss allegations of abuse made by one parent against the other in the context of child custody disputes.
Critics argue that the term “parental alienation” can be used to blame the victim of abuse, and that it can be misused to suggest that a child’s reluctance to spend time with a parent is due solely to the other parent’s interference, rather than any abusive behavior by the rejected parent.
In some instances, a parent who is accused of sexual abuse may claim that the allegations are the result of the other parent’s attempts to alienate the child from them, rather than actual abuse. This can create a difficult situation in which the court must determine whether the allegations of abuse are true or whether they are the result of a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from the accused parent. The use of parental alienation in such cases can be particularly problematic if there is evidence that the accused parent has a history of abuse or if there is other credible evidence that supports the allegations.
Critics of the concept of parental alienation argue that it can be used as a tool to silence children who report abuse, by claiming that the allegations are a result of manipulation by the other parent. This can create a dangerous situation in which legitimate claims of abuse are not taken seriously or are dismissed as a result of the use of parental alienation.
The American Psychological Association (APA) recognizes the existence of situations in which a child’s resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified and may result from psychological manipulation by the other parent. However, the APA does not endorse the use of the term “parental alienation” as a diagnostic label or legal concept. Many in the narcissistic abuse recovery and high conflict divorce coaching space refer to this behavior as “post-separation abuse.”
The concept of parental alienation has a complex history with origins that can be traced back to the early 20th century. However, the modern theory of parental alienation can be traced back to the work of psychiatrist Richard Gardner in the 1980s.
Gardner coined the term “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS) to describe a set of behaviors in which one parent attempts to alienate a child from the other parent during a divorce or child custody dispute. Gardner argued that the behaviors associated with PAS were often the result of a campaign of denigration by one parent, who would try to turn the child against the other parent through tactics such as badmouthing, withholding contact, or making false accusations.
While Gardner’s work gained some traction in the field of family law, it was also heavily criticized by many mental health professionals who argued that the concept was not supported by solid scientific evidence and that it could be used to justify abusive behavior by parents. Additionally, Gardner’s focus on the behavior of the alienating parent rather than the child’s feelings and experiences was criticized by some as being overly simplistic.
An accusation of parental alienation by an abusive father, in particular, can be devastating for your case. Despite the controversy and unsubstantiated claims of this theory, it has a stronghold in the family courts, with judges, attorneys, mediators, custody evaluators, GALS and more believing that parental alienation is a valid and widespread problem.
Even if your ex-partner is abusive, the courts will likely expect you to be overly nice and accommodating to that partner when it comes to custody. Any evidence that you do not like your ex can be used to dismiss any and all claims of abuse by you or your children. You must be strategic and understand how your words and actions can be twisted by the abuser. High-conflict divorce coaches are trained in this area and can help you sort out the allegations and create a plan to move forward.
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The best interest factors in child custody vary depending the jurisdiction (or location) where the custody dispute is taking place. Each state has its own set of laws regarding custody, and those can generally be found by googling “best interest factors in child custody in [put your state here].” However, there are several common factors that are generally considered by courts when making custody determinations. These include:
These factors are given different weights depending on the state and circumstances. However, it’s really important to understand the best interest factors before developing a parenting plan. It’s also really important as you look at your ongoing relationship with your ex-partner. Domestic violence is A factor in many jurisdictions. But it is not the only factor. (I would argue as would most of my colleagues that it should be the MOST IMPORTANT factor in custody decisions, but it often is not. Abusive parents get court-ordered, unsupervised custody and visitation every single day.)
I bolded one of the factors. That factor is the willingness of each parent to support the children’s relationship with the other parent. This factor is debated and contested in domestic violence spaces. But it is on the books in many places. What this means is that even if a parent threatened to kill the other parent – even if a parent threatened to kill the child – the other parent is theoretically supposed to encourage and support the child’s relationship with the person they consider dangerous. Not doing so can be labeled as “alienation” and can jeopardize a protective parent’s entire case. (There are certainly examples of judges recognizing the danger of domestic violence and protecting kids in these cases. It is very important to talk to your attorney about this, and you should ask specifically how to navigate your concerns while also meeting the willingness to encourage relationship best interest factor.)
The complexity of the best interest factors is one of the reasons why communicating with a disordered ex-partner is such an important strategic part of your post-divorce plan. In my case, the judge decided that I didn’t like X (I didn’t – for good reason), but the fact that she could tell hurt my case for several years. I know better now!
A divorce coach can help you locate resources to better educate yourself on your state’s best interest factors so that you can be strategically-minded during your ongoing custody battle.
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