What is a high conflict divorce?
What is a high conflict divorce?
This is a really tricky question with more than one answer. I’m going to try to break down our understanding of what is meant by a high conflict divorce and then also explain what we should be trying to understand about them.
Common Understanding
The common meaning of high conflict divorce is a type of divorce where the separating couple experiences intense animosity, disagreements, and disputes. These conflicts can arise from a variety of factors, including financial matters, child custody arrangements, property division, or simply strong negative emotions towards each other.
Most of the time, when someone talks about a high conflict divorce, they perceive it as TWO PEOPLE unable to let go and each of them holding some responsibility in ratcheting up the conflict. Those of us who have lived this experience can attest that it only takes one person to create a high conflict divorce (though I believe there are strategies that the healthy individual can use to diffuse some of that conflict, but the high conflict individual will still try to provoke conflict regardless).
What Does the Research Say?
There is an interesting paper trying to define high conflict that I think gives important context to the conversation. I will link the citation at the bottom of the post. They claim that high conflict can be understood through attributes they distinguish as:
- Pervasive Negative Exchanges and
- Hostile, Insecure Emotional Environment.
Pervasive negative exchanges are characterized by “defensiveness, aggression, and shared rigid and negative portrayals of the other.” The Hostile Emotional Environment factors include strong negative affect, emotional reactivity, lack of safety, triangulation, and mutual distrust.
I think it’s important to say here that as someone who experienced a high conflict relationship and divorce, I can appreciate how this conversation may be triggering and even create defensiveness. This is understandable.
I also think it is important to understand the patterns of conflict so that we can try to dodge them as best we can to 1) present as best we can to the court and avoid looking like an equal contributor and 2) so that we can become more strategic and do a lot of the work outside of the courts.
In a relationship that has gone on for several years, it is likely that the high conflict or personality disordered individual has primed the formerly healthy partner. It creates defensiveness. It creates a need to over-explain and defend. And that looks, to the outside, like it is increasing the conflict. It’s one of the reasons why learning how to respond in a non-emotive way is SO very important.
How does the court view high conflict divorces?
The courts tend to view high conflict divorce as a relational problem between two maladjusted individuals. To put it more simply, the court thinks you, the healthy, protective parent, are part of the problem. (And maybe you are. But I would argue that protecting your children is a rational and healthy adaptive response and that saying “no” to unrelenting requests is reasonable. But what do I know? I’m just a protective mom.)
It can take years for the court to start to understand that there is one party that is causing a majority of the problems. In my case, it took an allegation of abuse against another person in X’s home that wasn’t X being substantiated before the system stopped accusing me of being the issue. As the researchers described, it is a mutual dislike that is seen as the rationale for the conflict. If you dislike your ex because he abused you or even threatened to kill you, your dislike of him is seen as an equal contributor to the ongoing problem – especially if he puts on the charm and tells the court or evaluator positive things about you. How can he be the problem?
Studies often focus on the conflict as the reasons that children have poor adjustment and outcomes. I would suggest that this is implying causality where correlation is the better model. Do children of parents embattled in high conflict divorces have poor outcomes because of the legal battle? Or is it perhaps that high conflict divorce often is a sign of domestic and interpersonal violence and our children are also victims of abuse?
What does a high conflict divorce coach do and how can they help me?
This seems frustrating. It IS frustrating. And, there are known ways of handling high conflict individuals and high conflict divorces. Many of the people I know who have gotten certified as a high conflict divorce coach have themselves been through it. We want to share our knowledge with you – sometimes because we’ve made mistakes and know better now and sometimes because we’ve figured out ways to disarm the high conflict individual and want to teach you those strategies.
A high conflict divorce coach can do a few things for you:
- Give you perspective on the family court system so that you understand the challenges you might face;
- Help educate you about the family court system so that you make the most strategic decisions;
- Help teach you gray and yellow rock communication strategies so that your written responses don’t feed the chaos and don’t paint you as a contributor to the conflict;
- Help you document ongoing harassment, abuse, and harm to you and your children so that when you do have to go to court, you are armed with real evidence to back up your claims
- Help you harness your own knowledge about your ex and the power you have always had to create strategies to stay ahead in your custody fight
Citations:
Anderson, Shayne & Anderson, Stephen & Palmer, Kristi & Mutchler, Matthew & Baker, Louisa. (2011). Defining High Conflict. The American Journal of Family Therapy. 39. 11-27. 10.1080/01926187.2010.530194.