What does gray rock communication look like in high conflict divorce?

September 5, 2024 by Brooke, the Divorce Coach Ask Brooke, Communication 0 comments

Gray rock communication is a technique used in high-conflict situations, such as contentious divorces, to minimize engagement and emotional reaction. The term “gray rock” refers to becoming as uninteresting and unresponsive as a gray rock—bland, neutral, and unremarkable. This strategy is especially effective when dealing with someone who thrives on drama, manipulation, or emotional control, such as a narcissistic or abusive ex-partner.

In a high-conflict divorce, communication can often become heated, with one party attempting to provoke emotional reactions. Gray rock communication helps to prevent escalating these conflicts. It involves responding in a calm, concise, and non-reactive manner, offering minimal information without engaging in arguments or emotional exchanges. For example, instead of reacting to an inflammatory comment or accusation, the gray rock response would be neutral and factual: “Yes,” “No,” “Ok,” or “I will consider that.” There is no elaboration, justification, or emotional investment in the conversation.

When using gray rock communication, it’s important to avoid sharing personal information or reacting to provocations. If the ex-partner tries to bait you into an argument or seeks a reaction, the goal is to maintain an emotionally detached demeanor. You may acknowledge necessary facts, particularly when related to co-parenting, but keep the discussion limited to essentials.

Gray rock communication helps to reduce the toxic dynamics of high-conflict divorces. It deprives the other party of the emotional fuel they seek while protecting your own mental health and boundaries. This method can make the other person lose interest in conflict, making interactions more manageable over time. However, it’s important to maintain this approach consistently for it to be effective.

Gray Rock Communication in Practice

These are actual emails from my ex husband. Typos are as written.

The email I received is in gray. Click the email to open the accordion and see the gray rock response. You can practice your own responses by writing an imaginary response to the email before seeing what was sent in response.

Email: "you are not interested in taking a meeting? You have no desire or want to meet Jenn and talk about co parenting? I am trying to draw a line in the sand and say the past is the past. I want to move forward in a healthy way and build a co parenting relationship. I have build that with Jenns x husband and found is very helpful and healthy for the children and parents. If you are not there and have zero desire we will respect that."

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Any necessary communication regarding the care of our children should be done in writing via Our Family Wizard and remain between the two parents to minimize any miscommunication. Thanks for understanding.

Brooke

Email: the old clothes that have been sent with both boys reflect some need for documentation. The boys often come to visits with clothes that are either just pajamas, too small, no coat, sometimes no socks, flip flops in colder weather, mismatched, have holes in them and or in general poor condition. We feel this reflects poorly upon Brooke's careless attitude about us and our time with the children. We have felt very disappointed in her choices. In a past effort not to be confrontational with a confrontational person, we have not said anything. In light of her appauling behavior, it's time to address this.

It is expected that you have appropriate clothing and gear for the boys while they are in your care.

Brooke

Email: From the dates of July 28-August 5 we will be out of the area for our summer vacation. Please cancel and or reschedule ANY appointment for the boys have during our vacation.

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All provider contact information is available in Our Family Wizard for you to use to cancel any visits during your vacation. Any appointments not cancelled will be billed to you.

Brooke

Email: I am perplexed why you never told me until now that all this information was here (in OFW). I have requested this type of information from you verbally and in email. Clearly you have been documenting a lot here for a long time and it certainly would have helped me to know it was available to me here.

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Your assertion that I did not inform you of the existence of medical/educational information on this platform is not true. The truth is that I told you via text message on April 27 (screenshot attached). Your attempt to misrepresent the truth and paint me in a negative light is noted.

Brooke