Co-parenting can be challenging, especially after a high-conflict separation. Communication breakdowns, scheduling conflicts, and misunderstandings can create stress for both parents and children. This is where co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard can be game-changers. These apps streamline communication, keep records, and help reduce conflict by providing clear tools for organizing parenting responsibilities.
Our Family Wizard is one of the most widely used co-parenting apps, designed specifically for separated parents to improve communication and reduce the need for constant back-and-forth. It includes a suite of tools that help parents stay organized, including:
One of the key benefits of using a co-parenting app is that it creates a “business-like” atmosphere, helping to remove the emotional friction that can arise in direct conversations. By relying on a neutral tool like Our Family Wizard, parents can focus on the well-being of their children without letting personal conflicts get in the way. It promotes accountability, reduces conflict, and helps ensure smoother, more effective communication—ultimately making co-parenting easier for everyone involved.
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But what about the men?!
Every. Single. Time. I post about women who have experienced compounding trauma by the legal system, whether it’s here or on a news piece, someone will ask BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MEN?!?
First, what about the men?! When I post about women’s experiences in court, nothing about that statement invalidates the male experience. It merely presents the perspective of a protective mother who has experienced gender bias in the court – a bias that has been confirmed by legal research carried out at the GW Family Violence Law Center.
Second, do you know who the biggest perpetrator of male violence is? OTHER MEN. 76% of violence committed against men is a result of men. So even when we talk about male victims, we need to also be talking about male perpetrators.
It’s not that we don’t believe that men experience abuse. It’s not that we don’t believe that women can be perpetrators. I personally have known many personality disordered women in my own life. It’s that this is a gendered problem with gendered consequences. That matters when we are having this conversation.
Here are the statistics:
Males perpetrate 95% of all serious domestic violence. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 95% of reported assaults on spouses or ex-spouses are committed by men against women. Eight in ten murderers who killed a family member were male. Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of murderers who killed a boyfriend or girlfriend
Over 85% of the people who commit murder are men, and the majority of women who commit murder usually do so as a defense against men who have been battering them for years. Ninety percent of the women in jail for murder are incarcerated for killing male batterers.
In 88% of the sexual abuse claims that CPS substantiates or finds supporting evidence of, the perpetrator is male.
Of cases where men reported being victims of physical aggression by a female partner, “most of the affected men had been violent toward their partners themselves.”
And yet, even with these known statistics, women have a far harder time convincing the justice system – the family courts in particular- that they (and their children) are the victims. Men do not have the same problem with credibility – as substantiated by Meier’s research.
Inevitability, someone in the comments is going to say that the reason the statistics are so skewed is because men don’t report abuse. Ok. That is absolutely a conversation worth having. But it’s a conversation we should be having on its own, not as a counterpoint to the problem that protective mothers face in court.
I am the mother of two sons – two males who are abuse survivors. I absolutely want to have a conversation about our boys and our men. But I also want to lay responsibility for violence against women squarely at the feet of who is responsible – and that is men.
Additionally, I want our court system to acknowledge its bias against women’s claims of abuse. It is absolutely unhelpful when we want to talk about how women aren’t believed and someone butts in to ask about male victims. That isn’t the topic. That isn’t the problem being discussed. It’s women who are fighting this uphill battle against a system that purports to want to protect children – and that does everything except protect them. THAT is the problem.
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Dear Brooke,
My kids visit their dad every other weekend. Last weekend, my eight year old son came home from the visit calling me a bitch and said that I was a manipulator. I am so hurt and confused. What can I do to make this stop?
Signed,
A Confused Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
First, I want to tell you that what is happening is a lot to hold onto. It is heartbreaking to hear our children say such awful things about us, even if we know the true source of those words.
I also want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us who have been through this know how you are feeling and the tough spot you find yourself in.
If you’ll indulge me for a minute, I’d like to tell you about my own two boys and how we navigated this exact same issue. The first time X exercised his extended vacation time over Spring Break was two years after our separation. It was the first time the kids had been away from me for a week. My youngest son had just turned six and was in Kindergarten. When I picked him up from the visit, he got into the car and immediately called me a “bitch.” I had spent the week without him trying to distract myself because I missed my kids so much, and the first thing he did was call me a hateful name that my ex had weaponized for years during our marriage. (This came up in our custody modification, and as much as the court pretends to care about one parent maligning the other, I have found they do not, especially when it is the father calling the mother names.)
For the next two years, I tried everything I could think of to correct this behavior. One of the police officers during one of our criminal investigations told me that I needed to make him stop doing this. I thought that was cute given how little law enforcement and the courts had done to protect my children from the person who was teaching them the behavior. It was my job to stop it, apparently.
But then I did something different.
When the same child was seven or eight, he came home from another weekend visit and told my mother that “mommy is the manipulator.” The kids had said their dad told them that and said that the judge agreed. So I asked my son what a manipulator was. “I don’t know,” he responded. So I leaned in, and I whispered, “I am a manipulator.” He looked shocked. I pulled up the dictionary on my phone and I read aloud the definition. Do you know what the second definition of manipulator is? It’s “a person who handles or controls something skillfully.” I am ABSOLUTELY a manipulator. I told him that we use the word manipulate to talk about moving a pencil and that I was great at manipulating a pencil. Do I understand that wasn’t what X meant? Sure. But, in that moment, it wasn’t about being right about whether my ex or me was the manipulator in the relationship. It was about finding a way to stop making my son feel like he was having to hold two realities at once.
I can’t tell you how much of a difference this made for him. He relaxed. He laughed. The burden was removed from his small shoulders. He even went back to his dad and told him that I had agreed I was the manipulator. It sucked all of the power out of my ex’s machinations. It gave me control. My son is now 11, and we just talked about this the other day. He told me how relieved it made him.
We are the adults in this situation. And we CANNOT control our toxic ex partners. We cannot make them do the right thing. We cannot make them put our children at the forefront of the situation. We cannot make them stop trying to hurt us and stop using the kids to do so. So WE have to do something different. And for a lot of our kids, trying to get them to see one of their parents as disordered is incredibly unhelpful, even if, at some point, we need to guide them through the truth. Those kids’ brains know that they have to continue to see this parent. They do not have the luxury of believing that this dangerous person is dangerous. Not if they want to survive it. Set boundaries with them so that they know that name calling isn’t ok, but also give them an out. Find a way to diffuse the situation so that they aren’t feeling the pressure to pick sides. It will stick with them. And in the end, it will give them the confidence to see THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS that you are the healthy, stable parent.
I’m sending you love, Concerned Parent. You are doing a great job, and you will get through this.
A high conflict divorce refers to a divorce in which one or both parties engage in ongoing, intense disputes that make the process emotionally, financially, and legally draining. Unlike an amicable divorce where both parties agree to negotiate and settle matters peacefully, a high conflict divorce involves extreme discord over issues such as child custody, financial arrangements, and the division of assets. It is essential to note that it only takes one person to make a divorce contentious—even if one spouse seeks to be cooperative, the other’s refusal to compromise or engage reasonably can escalate the conflict.
In high conflict divorces, one or both parties may display manipulative, aggressive, or vindictive behavior. These traits are often associated with narcissism, control issues, or emotional immaturity. The high-conflict individual may use tactics such as lying, withholding information, using children as leverage, or making false allegations in an effort to “win” rather than resolve matters. In some cases, the high conflict party might also drag out the legal process, resulting in protracted litigation, which further inflames the situation.
A key feature of a high conflict divorce is that these cases frequently return to court. Because issues are not truly resolved between the parties, one or both individuals often seek post-judgment modifications or file new motions related to previously settled matters. Child custody and visitation are common areas of recurring conflict, with ongoing disputes about parenting time, decision-making authority, or accusations of one parent not complying with court orders. Financial support, particularly spousal support or child support, can also be revisited repeatedly when one party refuses to cooperate or tries to manipulate financial records.
For those involved in a high conflict divorce, careful documentation becomes critical. Given the likelihood of returning to court, maintaining a detailed record of all communications, financial transactions, and any violations of court orders is essential. Keeping text messages, emails, and even logging interactions with the other party can be valuable in providing evidence of the high conflict behavior. If there are children involved, documenting concerns about their welfare—such as missed visitations or signs of emotional harm—can be crucial when seeking modifications to custody arrangements.
Communication with the high conflict individual is also critical. In a relationship that has gone on for several years, it is likely that the high conflict or personality disordered individual has primed the formerly healthy partner. It creates defensiveness in the protective parent and a need to over-explain and defend. And that looks, to the outside, like it is increasing the conflict. It’s one of the reasons why learning how to respond in a non-emotive way is SO very important.
Judges often struggle with high conflict divorces, as the courtroom is not well-suited to resolving deep-seated emotional conflicts between parties. The courts tend to view high conflict divorce as a relational problem between two maladjusted individuals. To put it more simply, the court thinks you, the healthy, protective parent, are part of the problem. (And maybe you are. But I would argue that protecting your children is a rational and healthy adaptive response and that saying “no” to unrelenting requests is reasonable. But what do I know? I’m just a protective mom.)
It can take years for the court to start to understand that there is one party that is causing a majority of the problems. As researchers describe, it is a mutual dislike that is seen as the rationale for the conflict. If you dislike your ex because he abused you or even threatened to kill you, your dislike of him is seen as an equal contributor to the ongoing problem – especially if he puts on the charm and tells the court or evaluator positive things about you.
However, well-organized documentation and a clear presentation of facts can help mitigate the effects of a high-conflict individual’s efforts to distort the truth or manipulate the situation.
In addition to legal strategies, individuals facing a high conflict divorce may benefit from the help of a high conflict divorce coach. Working with a high conflict divorce coach can help a person navigate the emotional challenges of dealing with a high conflict ex-spouse and can assist in developing communication, documentation, and strategic plans for managing the ongoing custody battle.
A high conflict divorce coach can do a few things for you:
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They say “it” takes a village. Mostly I think they mean child-rearing, but I think it takes a village to leave, especially if you are in an emotionally, psychologically, or otherwise abusive relationship. Your world is distorted. You don’t know if you can trust yourself or your experiences. You minimize everything, not giving potentially dangerous circumstances the weight they truly deserve. You need people. And yet, people are often systematically removed from your life so that in that moment of despair, you have no one to turn to.
One of the first women who gave me hope that I might be able to leave, that divorce was a possibility, isn’t even really a friend. She was an acquaintance, a business relationship. And all she did was tell me she had gotten divorced. The world didn’t collapse. No one thought she was a failure. She was happy. I hadn’t yet had my epiphany that I was in an abusive relationship. But I knew I was unhappy, that something was wrong. And this woman, and all of the women who helped her make her decision, gave me hope.
Another woman I’ll call Amber I met one winter afternoon at a Country Club luncheon fundraiser. We happened to be seated next to each other, serendipitously. She would become my life line to resources and domestic violence advocacy. I reached out to her when things started to get crazy. She had shared parts of her own story on Facebook, and as I started questioning what was really happening, she was one of the only people I knew to ask. She may have been the person who first talked to me about narcissism.
Another friend I met through a work project met me for coffee. I needed to know that I could get a divorce, that I would be ok. She gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have maybe ever gotten. She asked me what percentage of the time I deserved to be happy in my marriage. “Everybody’s number is different. Mine was 80%.” I thought about it and agreed that 80% sounded like a solid number to aim for. It also made the process far more objective. I could take my heart out of the situation completely and focus only on this data point. I wasn’t happy 80% of the time. Not even close.
The other woman was my marriage counselor, who, by this point, had figured out that I wasn’t in a situation that could be helped by traditional psychotherapy. She was recommending antipsychotics for my ex-husband. I would find out months later that she had even reached out to my individual counselor to tell her she was afraid for my life and that I needed a safety plan. I’ve heard many people in the narcissistic abuse recovery groups talk about how unsuccessful marriage counseling is, how easily conned the therapist is. And I believe that is true for many people. But my marriage counselor got it. She saw through him. And eventually she told me the words I needed to hear to be able to leave. “He’s an abuser. This is what abusers do.”
I’d love to know about the women who helped you leave. Tell me more in the comments!
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This has been one of those weeks where the reality of family court slams headfirst into logic and common sense. I’ve had a couple of conversations with mothers who believe that the evidence they have of domestic violence and abuse will be enough to protect their children and ensure they have primary custody.
Those of us who have lived in this system will tell you that is not what we see happen day in and day out (that’s not to say that *some* people aren’t able to protect their children). The Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence found that “more than 58,000 children a year are ordered into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce in the United States.”
And it is not necessarily weighted any higher than the other factors. One of the other considerations is the ability to maintain a relationship with (and even speak highly of) the person who abused – or even threatened to kill – you. As I’ve shared elsewhere, my ex husband threatened to strangle me. And I was still admonished by the court for not liking him. The court seemed to take the approach that my not liking him would cause me to make up the story about the strangulation instead of the more logical explanation that his behavior caused me to have deep fear and discomfort around him.
It feels to many of us in the domestic violence system that the courts would rather believe that a mother was making things up than believe the harder truth that a parent would sexually abuse their child. The minute a protective mother goes to the police or the court to get a domestic violence protection order, she is suspect of parental alienation. I will say that again: If you need help leaving a domestic violence situation because your ex might kill you, YOU (the victim) become an immediate suspect in family court.
Joan Meier at the GW Family Violence Law Center published a study in 2019 entitled “Mapping Gender: Shedding Empirical Light on Family Courts’ Treatment of Cases Involving Abuse and Alienation.” The study analyzed over 4,000 custody cases in the United States to examine how family courts handle cases involving allegations of domestic violence and parental alienation. The study found that gender bias may play a role in how courts handle custody cases. Specifically, when fathers raised allegations of alienation, they were more likely to receive custody than mothers who made similar allegations. Additionally, when mothers raised allegations of abuse, they were more likely to lose custody than fathers who were accused of abuse.
In my experience, family court lawyers often dismiss domestic violence claims. Many of them believe in parental alienation – in part because it’s an effective strategy for their male clients. One family law attorney I saw with multiple pages of my children’s allegations told me that we really didn’t know what was happening at my ex’s house with the kids because if we did, we wouldn’t be there (trying to fight for custody). This said to me that if the court believed me and my children there was no way they would allow him unsupervised contact. But the courts just didn’t believe me. Thousands of other protective mothers have discovered similar.
Some states have gone so far as to create a presumptive 50/50 custody statute. Any parent who believes that 50/50 is not in the best interest of a child then has the burden of proof on them to prove why not. This becomes even more challenging because of the laws of evidence. In my case, my ex’s attorney filed a motion requiring strict adherence to the rules of evidence, meaning that any declarations my children made were considered hearsay and inadmissible. The court wouldn’t interview them either, so their voices and stories were ignored, and my concerns were dismissed.
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This sounds dismal, and in some ways it is. But it’s also not hopeless. There are advocacy efforts underway in many states to change and amend the family law statutes to give domestic violence claims greater weight in custodial decisions by family court judges (including Kayden’s Law). There is a growing body of research about gender bias and abuse claims in the courts. And there are those of use who have lived experience in the courts not only speaking out about it but also helping others who are coming behind. I was ultimately able to protect my children. That alone gives me hope that others can too.
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ABSOLUTELY yes.
People will tell you that it is impossible to negotiate with a narcissist, and they are partially right. It is nearly impossible to get a narcissist to compromise on something they know is important to you and will cause chaos and drama to argue about.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. It just means you have to be strategic about doing so.
There is a story that I read after my divorce that sticks with me. A question had been asked on a FB page about strategies for mediating with a personality disordered individual. One woman responded that she had made a HUGE deal about a hairbrush in her divorce. Instead of fighting over the kids, she kept going on and on about this brush. She didn’t actually care about the hairbrush, but the narcissist latched on to this being an important item. So he fought her over it. She ended up leveraging this brush – that she never actually wanted – to get the things she actually did want in the end. Is there something in your situation that you can make up to fight about?
In my own case, I used this a few times (though made the mistake in mediation and our custody modification of thinking that if I just told the other people exactly what I wanted, we could figure it out). I knew that we were up against a situation where ex was saying that abuse allegations were made up. I also knew that eventually a court would try to order counseling for the kids with their dad. He had already snowed a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a forensic psychologist. I was pretty sure he could do the same for the kids’ counselors. And I also knew that counseling with their dad wouldn’t actually be effective. So I would regularly ask him to go to counseling with the kids (like once a month or so). It became a way to control what was being argued over, which helped things stay calmer outside of that one “disagreement.”
Another strategy for negotiating with a narcissist is to appeal to their ego. When you send an email and want them to agree to something, you can add phrases like “I wasn’t sure about the kinds of lunches I needed to pack for [child]. I know that you care about healthy lunches. What do you think we should pack for school?” if the other parent isn’t sending the kids to school with appropriate food. You can even try “Good parents love watching their kids play soccer, and I know you are trying to be a good dad.” You don’t have to believe it. You are just focusing on getting your desired outcome. It’s crucial to frame your negotiations in a way that appeals to the narcissist’s self-interest and reinforces their sense of power and control.
The worst thing you can do when negotiating with a narcissist is to get overly emotional. It’s where the work learning gray rock is important, even if you use a modified version in your regular communications. If you are unemotional, disimpassioned, and neutral during most of the negotiations, but you get emotional in your disagreements over the proverbial hairbrush, then you are setting yourself up to be in more control during the negotiation.
Can you negotiate with a narcissist? Yes. Does it take practice and strategic thinking? Absolutely!
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Click here to read my Family Court nightmare from the beginning. (This series talks about domestic violence and abuse. Please take care in reading.)
The madness continued, especially because I wasn’t letting go of my concerns like I had for the past ten years. The first time I said I was going to leave, my older son was 2. I talked myself into courage, walked into the house, and told X I wanted to separate. Within an hour, he had spun the conversation so that he was the one leaving me and had me pleading with him to stay. Then there was the time that I discovered an email he had written to a corporate video game company asking for his account back after they kicked him off their platform – but the facts he presented were a giant lie. He had leveraged our home burning down and my getting sick but twisted the facts and even made up family members of mine who don’t exist. I thought I was done then. Instead, X agreed to get a brain scan and go to rehab (he was spending 10s of thousands of dollars on video games a month without my knowing).
I wasn’t so easily swayed this time. I wasn’t latching on to a new shiny solution or fix. I was collecting information, trying to untangle a decade of “love.”
A week after the Women of the Year banquet, we got into another round of circular conversations. By this point, I was keeping notes for myself on a Locked Notes app on my phone. I needed the proof for myself that things were as bad as I believed them to be. As we were talking, X would say things like “I’m not manipulating. You might think this is manipulative, but it is not.” [Oh yeah, sure Jan.] When I mentioned the abuse that I was still trying to figure out, he would say, “You have to stop living in the past.” What I wrote one night to myself was “I am afraid. Challenging X means fear, crazy-making, blame. Our whole relationship is built on him manipulating me for sex.”
I’m a little uncomfortable writing about the sexual abuse. What I will say for now is that it was very common for X to call sex with me “rape” as though it were a joke we were both in on. I spent hours, days, weeks of my life talking about X’s genitals and his related problems down there! This information matters because of what I did next.
I still didn’t quite believe that things were as awful as they actually were. I needed facts and data so that I could base my decision to leave (or stay) on sound logic and not some vague feeling that things were bad. So I woke up one morning and decided I would do an experiment to see how far X would take things (I’m not sure I recommend this strategy).
X was lying down next to me, groping me, saying things like “I know you like this. This is what you want.” I felt nauseated.
I agreed to have sex. And then I started apologizing (I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to see what would happen). I asked X how I could be the wife for him. X told me to get rid of all of the guys who want me. Look, that sounds flattering. But I was a size 16/18 married mother of two who was barely allowed to talk to friends. I didn’t exactly have a secret line of men waiting to f* me. But anyhow.
I kept telling him that I would get rid of men. I told him that I was going to lay in bed all day, every day and wait for him to be ready to have sex with me. In my mind, I was waiting for him to stop, to tell me he didn’t want me to be a sex doll. Instead, he started crying and told me that was the only thing he ever wanted from me. He was so happy. “[Therapist] is going to be so shocked that we figured out our relationship problems in a couple of weeks.” To him, our problem was that I was a living, breathing human with thoughts and feelings of my own.
I’m married to a psychopath.
That’s what I wrote. In that moment, I knew that something was wrong. It wasn’t solvable by marriage counseling. And if he was a psychopath, I was likely in grave danger. And so were my kids.
We went to marriage counseling that day. While we were in the waiting room, I went to the bathroom. I wrote “help” on the back of an index card and slipped it under the door of our therapist. She came out and met me in a small powder room. Tucked in around the toilet, I lost it. I was crying and shaking.
“Are you being abused?” she asked.
“I don’t know.” I didn’t know. Abuse looked like being hit, bruises, choking, stuff you could hold onto, prove. This was… something else.
Later that afternoon I went to my individual counselor. Things felt so crazy and out of control that I started seeing her twice a week on top of weekly marriage counseling.
“I guess that’s what I’ll do,” I said to her. “Just lay in bed and wait for him until I figure out what else to do.”
Thankfully she cautioned me against this approach.
I once again steeled myself, pulled out the courage that was still inside me, just stuffed way way down, and I went home. I walked into my bedroom where X had been masturbating, waiting for me.
“Listen asshole. Either you learn to respect my boundaries and treat me like a woman who deserves love and respect or you get out of my house.”
I still didn’t leave.
Learn MorePost-separation abuse refers to the ongoing abuse that occurs after a relationship has ended, typically in cases where there was already a pattern of domestic violence or coercive control during the relationship. While many people assume that the abuse stops once a couple separates, post-separation abuse demonstrates that an abuser’s need for control often continues, especially when there are children involved or shared assets. This type of abuse can take various forms, including emotional manipulation, financial control, legal harassment, and interference in co-parenting.
One of the most common forms of post-separation abuse is legal harassment, sometimes referred to as “abuse by the court” or vexatious litigation. Abusers frequently misuse the family court system to maintain control over their ex-partner by filing frivolous lawsuits, requesting unnecessary hearings, or constantly seeking modifications to custody arrangements. This not only drags out the legal process, costing the victim time and money, but also keeps them emotionally entangled in the conflict. Legal abuse can feel like an endless cycle, as victims are repeatedly forced to engage with their abuser in court.
Financial abuse is another significant aspect of post-separation abuse. Even after separation, abusers may withhold child support or spousal support, refuse to divide shared assets, or purposely drag out financial negotiations. In some cases, they may also engage in “economic sabotage,” such as quitting a job or hiding assets to avoid financial responsibilities, making it difficult for the victim to achieve financial independence.
For those with children, post-separation abuse often takes the form of co-parenting sabotage. Abusers may use children as pawns to continue controlling their ex-partner. They might refuse to follow custody agreements, withhold the children during visitation, or make unfounded accusations of parental alienation. In extreme cases, they may engage in emotional manipulation of the children, turning them against the other parent, a term many call Domestic Violence by Proxy. This form of abuse is particularly damaging to children, who become caught in the crossfire of the abuser’s attempts to maintain power.
It’s important to recognize that this can be just as harmful as abuse that occurs during the relationship. Survivors often need ongoing support, both legal and emotional, to navigate this phase of the abuse. Family courts are becoming more aware of these dynamics, and some states are implementing laws to address issues like legal harassment and coercive control. However, victims of post-separation abuse still face significant challenges in protecting themselves and their children from ongoing harm.
(Credit: One Mom’s Battle, Tina Swithin)
Parental alienation is a controversial concept that has been used in family courts. To some, parental alienation is a term used to describe a situation in which one parent (or other family member) tries to turn a child against the other parent. This can involve making negative comments about the other parent, telling the child false or misleading information about the other parent, or even preventing the child from having contact with the other parent. Those people often use that term benignly, not understanding the full history of the phrase or the ways that it is used by abusers as a defense. Because of its broad usage, the term has been successfully used to remove children from a protective parent’s custody and given to the abusive parent.
The concept of parental alienation gained significant attention in the 1980s when psychiatrist Dr. Richard Gardner coined the term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Gardner described PAS as a condition in which a child becomes irrationally aligned with one parent and denigrates the other without justification. He argued that this was often the result of psychological manipulation by one parent, which led to the child’s estrangement from the other parent.
Dr. Gardner, the psychiatrist who introduced the concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in the 1980s, held highly controversial and troubling views on pedophilia, which have been widely criticized. Gardner argued that pedophilia was not as harmful or deviant as commonly believed and suggested that society overreacted to the issue. He claimed that sexual relations between adults and children have existed throughout history and that, in some cases, children may even enjoy such interactions. These beliefs appeared in some of his writings, where he seemed to downplay the severity of child sexual abuse.
However, the introduction of Parental Alienation Syndrome has been highly controversial. One major point of contention is that PAS was never recognized as an official mental health diagnosis by mainstream psychiatric organizations such as the American Psychiatric Association or the World Health Organization. Critics argue that the concept of PAS oversimplifies complex family dynamics and can be misused in court, particularly in cases involving allegations of abuse.
Gardner’s work has faced significant backlash for failing to adequately distinguish between genuine parental alienation and cases where a child’s rejection of a parent is based on legitimate fear or the result of actual abuse. Critics are especially concerned that PAS has been weaponized in family courts to discredit survivors of domestic violence or child abuse, with some abusers accusing the protective parent of alienating the child when, in reality, the child is distancing themselves for self-protection.
Refuse/Resist Dynamic: The refuse/resist dynamic in child custody refers to a situation where a child, often during or after a high-conflict divorce, refuses to spend time with or resists having a relationship with one parent. This behavior can stem from various factors, including the child’s own experiences or feelings, abuse inflicted by the rejected parent, or alleged influence from the other parent (sometimes referred to as parental alienation). Many in the parental alienation movement have relabeled behavior under this phrase as legitimate criticism of parental alienation continues.
Gatekeeping: the behaviors of one parent that control or influence the other parent’s access to their child. This can range from positive gatekeeping, where a parent facilitates a healthy relationship between the child and the other parent, to restrictive or negative gatekeeping, where a parent intentionally limits the other’s involvement in the child’s life. Gatekeeping is often used to mean “alienation” because of the negative connotation of Parental Alienation.
One of the most challenging situations for a parent is being falsely accused of parental alienation, especially when they have raised credible allegations of domestic violence or child abuse. In some cases, abusers will allege parental alienation as a defense mechanism to discredit the protective parent and shift attention away from their abusive behavior. This can result in a situation where the victim is re-victimized through the court system, a process sometimes referred to as legal abuse.
An accusation of parental alienation by an abusive father, in particular, can be devastating for your case. Despite the controversy and unsubstantiated claims of this theory, it has a stronghold in the family courts, with judges, attorneys, mediators, custody evaluators, GALS and more believing that parental alienation is a valid and widespread problem.
Even if your ex-partner is abusive, the courts will likely expect you to be overly nice and accommodating to that partner when it comes to custody. Any evidence that you do not like your ex can be used to dismiss any and all claims of abuse by you or your children. You must be strategic and understand how your words and actions can be twisted by the abuser. High-conflict divorce coaches are trained in this area and can help you sort out the allegations and create a plan to move forward.
The use of the term “parental alienation” is controversial because it has been criticized for being misused and sometimes used to discount or dismiss allegations of abuse made by one parent against the other in the context of child custody disputes.
Critics argue that the term “parental alienation” can be used to blame the victim of abuse, and that it can be misused to suggest that a child’s reluctance to spend time with a parent is due solely to the other parent’s interference, rather than any abusive behavior by the rejected parent.
In some instances, a parent who is accused of sexual abuse may claim that the allegations are the result of the other parent’s attempts to alienate the child from them, rather than actual abuse. This can create a difficult situation in which the court must determine whether the allegations of abuse are true or whether they are the result of a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from the accused parent. The use of parental alienation in such cases can be particularly problematic if there is evidence that the accused parent has a history of abuse or if there is other credible evidence that supports the allegations.
Critics of the concept of parental alienation argue that it can be used as a tool to silence children who report abuse, by claiming that the allegations are a result of manipulation by the other parent. This can create a dangerous situation in which legitimate claims of abuse are not taken seriously or are dismissed as a result of the use of parental alienation.
The American Psychological Association (APA) recognizes the existence of situations in which a child’s resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified and may result from psychological manipulation by the other parent. However, the APA does not endorse the use of the term “parental alienation” as a diagnostic label or legal concept. Many in the narcissistic abuse recovery and high conflict divorce coaching space refer to this behavior as “post-separation abuse.”
The concept of parental alienation has a complex history with origins that can be traced back to the early 20th century. However, the modern theory of parental alienation can be traced back to the work of psychiatrist Richard Gardner in the 1980s.
Gardner coined the term “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS) to describe a set of behaviors in which one parent attempts to alienate a child from the other parent during a divorce or child custody dispute. Gardner argued that the behaviors associated with PAS were often the result of a campaign of denigration by one parent, who would try to turn the child against the other parent through tactics such as badmouthing, withholding contact, or making false accusations.
While Gardner’s work gained some traction in the field of family law, it was also heavily criticized by many mental health professionals who argued that the concept was not supported by solid scientific evidence and that it could be used to justify abusive behavior by parents. Additionally, Gardner’s focus on the behavior of the alienating parent rather than the child’s feelings and experiences was criticized by some as being overly simplistic.
