An “every other weekend” custody schedule is a common arrangement in shared parenting plans, especially after divorce or separation. Under this arrangement, one parent has primary custody during the weekdays, while the other parent has visitation rights on alternating weekends, typically from Friday evening to Sunday evening. This schedule allows both parents to maintain a regular relationship with the child, while also providing stability during the school week.

The Typical Every Other Weekend Schedule

A typical every other weekend schedule is every other Friday after school until Sunday evening (usually). This is two nights and two full days.

A Better Schedule for High Conflict divorces

The problem with the current every other weekend schedule is that the only person who ever sees the child(ren)’s behavior after the visit is the receiving parent. If your ex husband, for example, has the kids from Friday after school until Sunday at 6pm, you are receiving them exhausted and disregulated (I am speaking in terms of high conflict divorces because that is the women I work with). As a protective parent, you are likely getting them to bed on time and ensuring that they are fed. And while they may still go to school out of sorts, they are in your custody. It is nearly impossible to show that the behavior challenges are linked to dad’s parenting time.

I encourages my clients to talk to their attorneys about a slightly different schedule, one that preserves the same percentage of visitation time but that also allows for there to be eyes on the kids while in dad’s custody. I did this in my own case, and it helped turn the corner. Instead of Friday-Sunday, I suggest Saturday to Monday. One option is for the custodial time to end at school drop off. The other is at school pick up. The only real difference is who is responsible for school phone calls that day or dealing with a sick kid. (It should also be noted there are a few extra Monday school holidays.) If you are trying to show the court one parent’s parenting capabilities, it may be worth considering having their custodial time end at school pick up just so the school is having to lean on them during the day if needed. Document any behavior concerns or emails that the school sends on those days and use a graph if possible to show the number of Mondays where behavior is problematic (or in my kid’s case, panic attacks were happening at school). While this may make those days harder at school, the challenge as a protective parent is being able to show that things are not going well. There is little more than your word, which the court doesn’t seem to believe anyway. So while it may be harder for a child in the short run, being able to protect them and limit visits may be better for them in the long run!

Just Say No to mid-week dinner

Ugh, the mid week dinner. The worst thing to happen to family court since default 50/50.

The idea behind the mid week dinner is fine. It was intended to encourage frequent contact with the children and the parent. But, usually, Every other weekend with a mid week dinner is ordered in high conflict cases or cases where the court recognizes that one parent cannot handle the responsibility of 50/50 custody. Kids who have a manipulative parent already struggle with cognitive dissonance and finding their footing after divorce. Their disordered parent is telling them one thing and reality is telling them another. But because they are in self-protection mode, they have to convince themselves that reality is wrong. It takes time away from the brainwashing of the disordered parent in order to be able to regulate the nervous system and be grounded in reality. The every other weekend schedule, while not necessarily ideal for kids with abusive parents, should give a child 10 days between visits so that at least some of the time they can come out of the fog (which will let them find their voice). If they have a mid week dinner, the most they ever have is a week, which often isn’t long enough (in my kids this looked like: three days to come out of the fog and three days to prep for what’s coming).

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that involves patterns of behavior aimed at dominating, isolating, and manipulating a partner through psychological, emotional, and sometimes financial means. Unlike physical violence, which is often more visible, coercive control is a more insidious form of abuse that erodes the victim’s autonomy and sense of self over time. It can include tactics such as isolation from friends and family, monitoring movements, restricting access to money, and controlling how a person dresses or behaves. In family court and child custody cases, coercive control has gained increased recognition as a serious issue, particularly in light of new legal developments.

In terms of domestic violence, coercive control is often the underlying mechanism that maintains the abuser’s dominance over their partner. This form of abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence, and in many cases, it escalates to physical violence. Victims of coercive control are subjected to constant fear and anxiety, as their partner manipulates every aspect of their lives. Because coercive control can be difficult to prove, especially when there is no overt physical harm, many survivors struggle to convince others of the abuse they are experiencing. However, with growing awareness, family courts are beginning to understand the impact of coercive control in domestic violence situations.

When it comes to family court and child custody, coercive control plays a critical role. Family courts historically focused on physical abuse when considering custody arrangements. However, coercive control often continues or worsens after separation, as abusers attempt to maintain control through the children. This can manifest in manipulative tactics like undermining the victim’s parenting, making false allegations of parental alienation, or refusing to cooperate with custody schedules. In such cases, abusers weaponize the legal system as a tool of further control, dragging victims into protracted custody battles.

States like California, Connecticut, and Hawaii have introduced coercive control laws as part of their domestic violence statutes. These laws allow for restraining orders or other protective measures to be issued based on non-physical forms of abuse like coercive control.

A landmark case occurred in New York, where the state’s Supreme Court found that coercive control against the mother amounted to child abuse. In this decision, the court acknowledged that the abusive treatment of the mother also harmed the children, as they were exposed to the toxic and manipulative environment created by the abuser. This finding is significant because it highlights that children living in a household with coercive control are affected, even if they are not the direct targets of the abuse. It sets an important precedent in family law, recognizing the profound impact that coercive control has on both the victim and the children involved.

In family court cases, particularly those involving child custody, it is increasingly recognized that the safety and well-being of both the parent and child are at stake when coercive control is present. Courts that consider coercive control when determining custody arrangements are better equipped to protect victims and their children from further harm.

I was reading a question this morning in one of the divorced parent groups I am a part of. A woman was asking questions about custody orders on behalf of her boyfriend. I presume that this man is a fully grown, competent individual capable of getting answers to his legal questions *if he wanted to.* I don’t know him or the situation, but I do know many men who pretend to be clueless in order to get women to do the emotional and physical labor necessary to accomplish some goal for them. And given the pervasiveness of this issue, I have to believe that we, as women, have been socialized to bear this burden and do this work.

When my oldest son was in preschool many moons ago, I remember coming back from a trip I had taken. I didn’t take many trips, to be honest, in part because I was afraid that the world would fall apart if I did. But I had also been sick at the time, and I occasionally had to fly to see a specialist. I walked into the preschool class the next day, and the teacher came up to me. She said, “I knew you were out of town. [Son] came to school with a lunch box full of cheese.” That was it. Just cheese. We laughed at X’s inability to pack a lunch.

A couple of years later, X and my oldest son went on a school camping trip. The parents were supposed to bring food for themselves. I wasn’t participating, and I was in the midst of a million other projects. X just didn’t bring anything. So they didn’t eat. I felt guilty that I had let my son down and not done the work that X was fully capable of doing.

Near the end of our marriage, I once again went out of town. The boys had scheduled haircuts. X didn’t take them. He claims he forgot, despite the 10 text messages I sent reminding him, including shortly before the appointments.

I have dozens of these examples, of times when X needed to be the adult and take some small amount of responsibility for participating in the goings on in our life. And he just didn’t. For a decade, I thought that X was just clueless, that he needed a guiding hand to help him figure out how to adult. I didn’t ever really consider that it was deliberate. But it was deliberate, a fact that became clearer during our divorce and “co-parenting” years. I believe that X packed the cheese and forgot the haircuts on purpose. He didn’t want me to leave or go on vacation or have any life beyond him. So he messed up on purpose so that I wouldn’t ask him to take any responsibility. The more overwhelmed I was with tasks, the less time I had to consider how unhealthy the relationship was.

This is Weaponized Incompetence. According to Choosing Therapy, “Weaponized incompetence is a poorly executed action or behavior that someone does on purpose, while appearing to do so out of incompetence. The goal of this tactic is to make oneself look like they are incapable of performing an action, therefore removing ownership and accountability for the action being completed.”

It’s really important to talk about the removal of ownership and accountability because I believe it is at the root of a lot of this behavior (in addition to be used as manipulation). In the first example of the woman asking questions about her partner’s custody battle, if she takes on all of the labor and does the work, but it ultimately fails and he does not get custody, she can be blamed. It’s on her. She got the advice. She led him astray. (I do not believe this, of course, but this is how it is twisted.) He can deflect all responsibility for the consequences because he was not the one who pursued the information or ultimately followed through. And with toxic individuals, they are either the Hero or the Victim. If it works out, they can take ownership and be the hero. If it doesn’t, they are the victim of their partner’s controlling ways. Never mind that their pretend incompetence is the reason she stepped in at all. And in the example of X not packing food for a camping trip, I am the one left feeling guilty. I don’t want my son to suffer, so I take on more and more and more tasks and responsibility – to the point of exhaustion.

Weaponized Incompetence in Divorce and Custody

In the context of divorce and custody, weaponized incompetence can be particularly damaging, as it not only strains relationships but can also impact legal outcomes and the well-being of children.

One example of weaponized incompetence during a divorce might involve a parent who consistently claims they are unable to manage basic childcare tasks, such as preparing meals or helping with homework. By pretending to be incapable, they might try to push the other parent into taking on a greater share of the caregiving duties, hoping to weaken the other parent’s case for custody by framing them as controlling or demanding.

Another example could be a parent who deliberately fails to keep track of important documents or court dates, claiming they are too disorganized or forgetful. This could lead to missed deadlines or incomplete filings, potentially sabotaging the legal process and causing delays, which can add stress and financial strain to the other party.

In a more subtle form, a parent might use weaponized incompetence by not following through on agreed-upon parenting plans, such as consistently being late for pick-ups or drop-offs, and then claiming they “just aren’t good with time management.” This behavior can cause frustration for the responsible parent.

Weaponized incompetence in these scenarios is a manipulative tactic that not only undermines the legal process but can also have long-lasting effects on family dynamics and the well-being of the children involved.

How to respond to Weaponized Incompetence?

When we move out of toxic and abusive relationships, it can be really hard to let go of the roles that we have been forced into, including doing everything for our ex-partners. But we must. In terms of those partners, as long as we keep doing for them, even if it’s to protect our children, we make it much harder for the court to intervene. All they see is our control, not the unwillingness of the other parent to step up. The court couldn’t see that his “incompetence” was a way to control me and keep me stuck. X knew that I cared about my kids and would step in. But he could then twist the narrative to show me “interfering” in his custodial time. I had to be willing to let him fall on his face (and ultimately I did that even though it made my children’s lives temporarily more difficult).

So, if you find yourself constantly doing for someone else and are frustrated by that work, what can you do? I’d start by asking yourself a couple of questions:

1. Is this person an adult?
2. Is this person capable in other areas of their lives?
3. Is it MY responsibility to tell them how to perform this task/complete this job?
4. What will happen if I don’t tell them how to do this thing?
5. Can I sit with the discomfort of watching them fail and know that it is still not my responsibility?

At some point you have to let go. You have to draw a circle around yourself and around that other person and assign ownership of yourself to you and ownership of their responsibilities to them. They might fail. Or at least fail to act. It still doesn’t make it your responsibility to fix their life.

One final thought:

I have found for myself – and I imagine this is true for others – that because I was so conditioned to “help,” this was a pattern not just in my abusive marriage. Learning how to stop myself from intervening when someone (including my children) was capable of doing a task has been an ongoing lesson. If I step in, I am preventing that person from learning from mistakes and feeling good about accomplishing hard things. But I am also preventing myself from getting the important information I might need about a person and a relationship if I am constantly doing things to prevent their discomfort. You need to see how people deal with adversity. You need to see how they manage tasks that are difficult. And if it is a new partner in a difficult custody fight, you really need information to help you (and the court) discern where the problem truly lies.

Everything I knew about divorce I learned on bad TV! That’s mostly true. I also knew about divorce having grown up in a home with divorced parents. I lived with my mom in the school year and my adopted dad in the summer. Divorce is so much more complicated than that, especially if you are married to someone with a high conflict personality.

After I asked for my divorce, I walked into an attorney’s office thinking that they would tell me what to do. Instead, they waited for me to tell them. But I knew NOTHING about how the system worked. I was relying on the attorney to tell me how to proceed. And honestly, I thought I would share the timeline of abuse, manipulation, and threats, and he would rush into action to protect me and the kids.

Instead, he told me that I needed to “give X a chance to be a dad.” What?! I had given him a chance to be a dad. He sucked at it. And then he had threatened to kill me. Surely, we weren’t going to send the kids off unsupervised with this unstable person.

But that’s what happened. That’s what the courts told me was normal. That is the system we have created.

So for those new to divorce or considering separation and divorce, here is a little primer on how the process goes. Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. I am a protective mom who has walked through the process and helps other protective moms. Questions about the specifics of your legal case should be run through your attorney.

What happens after I say I want a divorce?

After you tell your partner that you want a divorce (or after they tell you they want a divorce), one party typically moves out of the marital home. This has changed some in the last several years with both parties continuing to live together. In high conflict cases where there is alleged abuse, this is probably not the best option for your mental health, but I understand why some people do this. If you have filed an order of protection, the terms of the separation and contact will be a little different and will be addressed in another post.

There are several ways to go through the divorce:

1. With an attorney – This is a pretty standard route. One or both parties hire an attorney who are able to file motions and requests for orders on your behalf. You can also have an attorney draft an agreement that you both end up signing and filing with the court (this is what I did, but X is unique in not fighting for custody initially).
2. Through a collaborative divorce – If you are on good terms with your partner, there are options for collaborative divorces where you work together to create an agreement. This is not typically possible with the clients I work with.
3. Mediation – You can also hire a mediator to help you come to an agreement that you file with the court. As with collaborative divorces, this is difficult for clients who have personality disordered or abusive spouses.

Separation Agreements

In some states (Virginia for example), parties are required to be separated for a year prior to filing for divorce (yay antiquated laws that force moral judgement and marriage on people). If you have an abusive partner, this year can be full of love bombing to try to get you to reconsider. It is important for you to educate yourself on controlling behaviors and the abuse cycle in order to protect yourself during this time!

Depending on how your partner views this process as well as their desire to create chaos and conflict, even getting a separation agreement can be challenging. But, if you can get one, it can lay out a plan for temporary custody while the divorce is ongoing as well as define living arrangements, financial obligations, and debt. Anything that may be addressed in the final court order for the divorce can basically be addressed in the separation agreement (and then later, the parties can use that agreement as the basis for the divorce, again depending on the parties’ states of mind).

The legal divorce process

So, you’ve decided to divorce. One of you has moved out. You’ve consulted an attorney. Now what?

Filing for Divorce

Your attorney will draft a complaint essentially that lays out the facts that are relevant for the divorce. Things that might be included in the filing:

• Finances
• Current living situation
• Length of marriage
• Names, DOB of children
• Assets, including homes
• Debts, including cars and credit cards
• Date of separation
• Circumstances around the reason for the separation depending on how the state views divorce and whether it’s a no-fault state
• Allegations of abuse

The complaint will also ask for relief. This is where you need to be specific with your attorney about what you want. Even if it is a default 50/50 state, you can ask for something else and tell your attorney to fight for that arrangement. No, you might not get it, but you are the client and can tell your attorney what matters to you. Relief might include:

• Custodial time
• Holiday visits
• Legal custody (please ask for tie breaking decision authority on educational and medical decisions)
• School placement
• Health insurance
• Debt responsibility
• Asset allocation
• Alimony
• Child Support

If there is no separation agreement and no stipulated agreement – an agreement both parties agree to and file with the court, then one party can file for temporary custody orders. If there is a belief that the child(ren) are at risk, you can file for an emergency custody hearing, but you must be able to show that there is the possibility of harm. If you believe your children are in harm but your attorney is shrugging, remember that you are the client and can tell your attorney to file an emergency motion. Again, it might get denied, but it won’t be you sending your child into harm’s way. The court can’t later blame you for the visit (not that the court will take responsibility either).

Temporary custody orders are specific to custody and set out the terms of custody and visitation while other matters and the divorce are being decided. You will have a hearing on the motion that is filed (that will again contain facts supporting the desired relief and the custody schedule you believe is best for your children). This hearing will be much shorter than the eventual divorce, but you will likely still present some evidence about why you are asking for less than 50/50. Many times, these requests for temporary orders also include an affidavit, declaration, or certification. My affidavits often were a couple of pages long and read something like:

1. I am the mother of CHILD 1 and CHILD 2.
2. Our current custody schedule provides for once a month overnight visits to be scheduled by X with seven days notice.
3. Since our separation on DATE, X had not taken any of his provided overnights.
4. On DATE, a year later, X asked for his first overnight.
5. At the exchange for that overnight, CHILD 2 expressed concern over the visit and then vomited in the parking lot.

For this example, I would have asked for overnights to be suspended until a final hearing. In the affidavit, you only want to include facts, not emotions.

Mediation

In most cases, a judge will order both parties to mediation. They do not want to hear these cases and believe that everyone is sane and healthy and should be able to come to an agreement. Obviously, we know that isn’t true. But, they will send you off to a mediator anyway to try to get you to some agreement. Usually, this means that the victim of abuse gives in to the demands of an abuser or ends in mediation breakdown. But, you *can* negotiate with a narcissist, no matter what anyone tells you.

Scheduling and Status Hearings

After you have filed for divorce, the other party will have a chance to answer that claim. Then the judge will hold a scheduling conference with both attorneys (or representatives from both sides). They will schedule the final hearing as well as deadlines and status hearings along the way. The status hearing can be an update after mediation or can be closer to the actual hearing once the attorneys have submitted their theories of the case. A lot of these hearings are again intended to get you to settle.

Discovery and Interrogatories

You will be asked to provide evidence in the form of discovery for your claims in the complaint that is filed. Evidence can be text, photos, emails, therapy notes, report cards, medical notes, audio files etc. This has to be provided to the other party. They will also send you a list of items that they want you to provide, which can include emails, texts to other people (including your friends and parents), social media posts, etc.  You will also help your attorney come up with a list of items to request from your ex that you want to look through that you think will help build your case. Remember, anything in writing that isn’t communication with your attorney can be discoverable. You will also send a list of questions – and be sent a list of questions – to answer for the other side.

Depositions

Depositions are often scheduled as a way to get additional information from the other side prior to court. During a deposition, you are sworn in just like you would be in court. Transcripts from the depositions can then be entered into evidence during the hearing.

The hearing

You will finally have a hearing after what feels like 17,000 years. This is when you will present your evidence. You will likely be called to testify as will your ex. You will be cross examined by the other side, who will likely not treat you nicely. You would also call any witnesses, forensic accountants, forensic psychologists, or expert witnesses to bolster your case.

Final Order/Divorce Decree

After your hearing, the judge will likely issue a document called “Facts and Findings” where they assert what is true about your case. This document can be enraging if you know that your ex lied, and your judge writes it as truth in the facts and findings, which is an official court record. My judge called me controlling for asking X to adhere to the court order and to use bug spray when he is very allergic to mosquitoes. It’s been years, and I still won’t read the entire document!

The final order will spell out the details of your divorce, but more specifically, the details regarding custody. This will become your guiding document and the rules that you live under for better or worse until the kid ages out of the system or you file for a modification.

There are a multitude of personalities when it comes to Family Law Attorneys. Some are kind and ethical. Those of us who have been through family court and work in this field know that MANY are not. In fact, one researcher argues that lawyers are the second most sought after career for sociopaths.

My ex-husband’s attorney was, at best, a bully. He was aggressive when cross-examining me, at one point intimating that I was a bitch. When my attorney sent him documents, he claimed to have never gotten them, which the court then used against me. He changed law firms in the middle of our case, going to a firm I had consulted with. I asked my attorney to conflict him out at that point, but she didn’t. My attorney was not aggressive. I would argue that she was incompetent or lazy.

Which brings me to the question today of conflicting out attorneys.

What does Conflicting Out an Attorney mean?

When you hire an attorney, the law firm (should) run a conflict of interest check. This means that they cannot represent you if they also represent the opposing party, even if it is in a non-related case. So if you are divorcing your husband, but they helped him form his LLC, for example, that would be seen as a conflict of interest. Both parties can agree to ignore that conflict, but that’s not really in your best interest.

If you ask around your area, you can probably find out the reputation of certain law firms and lawyers. If a lawyer or firm is known for aggressive – or possibly even sketchy – behaviors, you might decide that you don’t want your ex to have that attorney… because that means those behaviors would be directed toward you. If your ex is a narcissist or a sociopath, your legal battle will be hard enough. You don’t need the opposing attorney making it worse (or giving them advice like “fight for 50/50” even if your ex doesn’t want it). Because of the increasing usage of parental alienation, you also should consider looking up local law firms that represent clients who have been “alienated” and who recommend reunification therapy. You probably do not want your ex using those attorneys!

Before you hire an attorney, you can often get a consultation with an attorney to determine the right fit for you. You might decide that you want the aggressive, potentially narcissistic attorney representing you. I found that my ex and his attorney responded better to an assertive man than a more passive woman (yay, misogyny). Firms and states have different rules about conflicts of interest, but if you consult with an attorney and give him private information that you would use in the divorce, theoretically, that firm should not then represent your ex. Even if they could argue that there is no actual conflict, they might not want to take that chance that they could be removed from the case.

TDLR; Before you file for divorce or custody modification, research attorneys in your area and schedule consultations with several law firms so that you can find the right fit for you – while also possibly conflicting them out for your ex to use against you! 

* Reminder: I am not a lawyer. This is not legal advice. This is simply information that we have learned along the way!

There are a few ways to deal with a new partner.

This has been one of those weeks where the reality of family court slams headfirst into logic and common sense. I’ve had a couple of conversations with mothers who believe that the evidence they have of domestic violence and abuse will be enough to protect their children and ensure they have primary custody.

Those of us who have lived in this system will tell you that is not what we see happen day in and day out (that’s not to say that *some* people aren’t able to protect their children). The Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence found that “more than 58,000 children a year are ordered into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce in the United States.”

Reality #1: Domestic Violence is only one factor in determining the best interest of the child in divorce.

And it is not necessarily weighted any higher than the other factors. One of the other considerations is the ability to maintain a relationship with (and even speak highly of) the person who abused – or even threatened to kill – you. As I’ve shared elsewhere, my ex husband threatened to strangle me. And I was still admonished by the court for not liking him. The court seemed to take the approach that my not liking him would cause me to make up the story about the strangulation instead of the more logical explanation that his behavior caused me to have deep fear and discomfort around him.

Reality #2: Parental Alienation has a stronghold on the family law system.

It feels to many of us in the domestic violence system that the courts would rather believe that a mother was making things up than believe the harder truth that a parent would sexually abuse their child. The minute a protective mother goes to the police or the court to get a domestic violence protection order, she is suspect of parental alienation. I will say that again: If you need help leaving a domestic violence situation because your ex might kill you, YOU (the victim) become an immediate suspect in family court.

Reality #3: Gender Bias is real.

Joan Meier at the GW Family Violence Law Center published a study in 2019 entitled “Mapping Gender: Shedding Empirical Light on Family Courts’ Treatment of Cases Involving Abuse and Alienation.” The study analyzed over 4,000 custody cases in the United States to examine how family courts handle cases involving allegations of domestic violence and parental alienation. The study  found that gender bias may play a role in how courts handle custody cases. Specifically, when fathers raised allegations of alienation, they were more likely to receive custody than mothers who made similar allegations. Additionally, when mothers raised allegations of abuse, they were more likely to lose custody than fathers who were accused of abuse.

Reality #4: Lawyers.

In my experience, family court lawyers often dismiss domestic violence claims. Many of them believe in parental alienation – in part because it’s an effective strategy for their male clients. One family law attorney I saw with multiple pages of my children’s allegations told me that we really didn’t know what was happening at my ex’s house with the kids because if we did, we wouldn’t be there (trying to fight for custody). This said to me that if the court believed me and my children there was no way they would allow him unsupervised contact. But the courts just didn’t believe me. Thousands of other protective mothers have discovered similar.

Reality #5: There is a presumption that having both parents in a child’s life is in their best interest.

Some states have gone so far as to create a presumptive 50/50 custody statute. Any parent who believes that 50/50 is not in the best interest of a child then has the burden of proof on them to prove why not. This becomes even more challenging because of the laws of evidence. In my case, my ex’s attorney filed a motion requiring strict adherence to the rules of evidence, meaning that any declarations my children made were considered hearsay and inadmissible. The court wouldn’t interview them either, so their voices and stories were ignored, and my concerns were dismissed.

—

This sounds dismal, and in some ways it is. But it’s also not hopeless. There are advocacy efforts underway in many states to change and amend the family law statutes to give domestic violence claims greater weight in custodial decisions by family court judges (including Kayden’s Law). There is a growing body of research about gender bias and abuse claims in the courts. And there are those of use who have lived experience in the courts not only speaking out about it but also helping others who are coming behind. I was ultimately able to protect my children. That alone gives me hope that others can too.

Can you negotiate with a narcissist?

ABSOLUTELY yes.

People will tell you that it is impossible to negotiate with a narcissist, and they are partially right. It is nearly impossible to get a narcissist to compromise on something they know is important to you and will cause chaos and drama to argue about.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. It just means you have to be strategic about doing so.

There is a story that I read after my divorce that sticks with me. A question had been asked on a FB page about strategies for mediating with a personality disordered individual. One woman responded that she had made a HUGE deal about a hairbrush in her divorce. Instead of fighting over the kids, she kept going on and on about this brush. She didn’t actually care about the hairbrush, but the narcissist latched on to this being an important item. So he fought her over it. She ended up leveraging this brush – that she never actually wanted – to get the things she actually did want in the end. Is there something in your situation that you can make up to fight about?

In my own case, I used this a few times (though made the mistake in mediation and our custody modification of thinking that if I just told the other people exactly what I wanted, we could figure it out). I knew that we were up against a situation where ex was saying that abuse allegations were made up. I also knew that eventually a court would try to order counseling for the kids with their dad. He had already snowed a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a forensic psychologist. I was pretty sure he could do the same for the kids’ counselors. And I also knew that counseling with their dad wouldn’t actually be effective. So I would regularly ask him to go to counseling with the kids (like once a month or so). It became a way to control what was being argued over, which helped things stay calmer outside of that one “disagreement.”

Another strategy for negotiating with a narcissist is to appeal to their ego. When you send an email and want them to agree to something, you can add phrases like “I wasn’t sure about the kinds of lunches I needed to pack for [child]. I know that you care about healthy lunches. What do you think we should pack for school?” if the other parent isn’t sending the kids to school with appropriate food. You can even try “Good parents love watching their kids play soccer, and I know you are trying to be a good dad.” You don’t have to believe it. You are just focusing on getting your desired outcome. It’s crucial to frame your negotiations in a way that appeals to the narcissist’s self-interest and reinforces their sense of power and control.

The worst thing you can do when negotiating with a narcissist is to get overly emotional. It’s where the work learning gray rock is important, even if you use a modified version in your regular communications. If you are unemotional, disimpassioned, and neutral during most of the negotiations, but you get emotional in your disagreements over the proverbial hairbrush, then you are setting yourself up to be in more control during the negotiation.

Can you negotiate with a narcissist? Yes. Does it take practice and strategic thinking? Absolutely!