The Women Who Helped Me Leave my Abuser

They say “it” takes a village. Mostly I think they mean child-rearing, but I think it takes a village to leave, especially if you are in an emotionally, psychologically, or otherwise abusive relationship. Your world is distorted. You don’t know if you can trust yourself or your experiences. You minimize everything, not giving potentially dangerous circumstances the weight they truly deserve. You need people. And yet, people are often systematically removed from your life so that in that moment of despair, you have no one to turn to.

One of the first women who gave me hope that I might be able to leave, that divorce was a possibility, isn’t even really a friend. She was an acquaintance, a business relationship. And all she did was tell me she had gotten divorced. The world didn’t collapse. No one thought she was a failure. She was happy. I hadn’t yet had my epiphany that I was in an abusive relationship. But I knew I was unhappy, that something was wrong. And this woman, and all of the women who helped her make her decision, gave me hope.

Another woman I’ll call Amber I met one winter afternoon at a Country Club luncheon fundraiser. We happened to be seated next to each other, serendipitously. She would become my life line to resources and domestic violence advocacy. I reached out to her when things started to get crazy. She had shared parts of her own story on Facebook, and as I started questioning what was really happening, she was one of the only people I knew to ask. She may have been the person who first talked to me about narcissism.

Another friend I met through a work project met me for coffee. I needed to know that I could get a divorce, that I would be ok. She gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have maybe ever gotten. She asked me what percentage of the time I deserved to be happy in my marriage. “Everybody’s number is different. Mine was 80%.” I thought about it and agreed that 80% sounded like a solid number to aim for. It also made the process far more objective. I could take my heart out of the situation completely and focus only on this data point. I wasn’t happy 80% of the time. Not even close.

The other woman was my marriage counselor, who, by this point, had figured out that I wasn’t in a situation that could be helped by traditional psychotherapy. She was recommending antipsychotics for my ex-husband. I would find out months later that she had even reached out to my individual counselor to tell her she was afraid for my life and that I needed a safety plan. I’ve heard many people in the narcissistic abuse recovery groups talk about how unsuccessful marriage counseling is, how easily conned the therapist is. And I believe that is true for many people. But my marriage counselor got it. She saw through him. And eventually she told me the words I needed to hear to be able to leave. “He’s an abuser. This is what abusers do.”

I’d love to know about the women who helped you leave. Tell me more in the comments!