Dear Brooke,

My kids visit their dad every other weekend. Last weekend, my eight year old son came home from the visit calling me a bitch and said that I was a manipulator. I am so hurt and confused. What can I do to make this stop?

Signed, 

A Confused Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

First, I want to tell you that what is happening is a lot to hold onto. It is heartbreaking to hear our children say such awful things about us, even if we know the true source of those words.

I also want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us who have been through this know how you are feeling and the tough spot you find yourself in.

If you’ll indulge me for a minute, I’d like to tell you about my own two boys and how we navigated this exact same issue. The first time X exercised his extended vacation time over Spring Break was two years after our separation. It was the first time the kids had been away from me for a week. My youngest son had just turned six and was in Kindergarten. When I picked him up from the visit, he got into the car and immediately called me a “bitch.” I had spent the week without him trying to distract myself because I missed my kids so much, and the first thing he did was call me a hateful name that my ex had weaponized for years during our marriage. (This came up in our custody modification, and as much as the court pretends to care about one parent maligning the other, I have found they do not, especially when it is the father calling the mother names.)

For the next two years, I tried everything I could think of to correct this behavior. One of the police officers during one of our criminal investigations told me that I needed to make him stop doing this. I thought that was cute given how little law enforcement and the courts had done to protect my children from the person who was teaching them the behavior. It was my job to stop it, apparently.

But then I did something different.

When the same child was seven or eight, he came home from another weekend visit and told my mother that “mommy is the manipulator.” The kids had said their dad told them that and said that the judge agreed. So I asked my son what a manipulator was. “I don’t know,” he responded. So I leaned in, and I whispered, “I am a manipulator.” He looked shocked. I pulled up the dictionary on my phone and I read aloud the definition. Do you know what the second definition of manipulator is? It’s “a person who handles or controls something skillfully.” I am ABSOLUTELY a manipulator. I told him that we use the word manipulate to talk about moving a pencil and that I was great at manipulating a pencil. Do I understand that wasn’t what X meant? Sure. But, in that moment, it wasn’t about being right about whether my ex or me was the manipulator in the relationship. It was about finding a way to stop making my son feel like he was having to hold two realities at once.

I can’t tell you how much of a difference this made for him. He relaxed. He laughed. The burden was removed from his small shoulders. He even went back to his dad and told him that I had agreed I was the manipulator. It sucked all of the power out of my ex’s machinations. It gave me control. My son is now 11, and we just talked about this the other day. He told me how relieved it made him.

We are the adults in this situation. And we CANNOT control our toxic ex partners. We cannot make them do the right thing. We cannot make them put our children at the forefront of the situation. We cannot make them stop trying to hurt us and stop using the kids to do so. So WE have to do something different. And for a lot of our kids, trying to get them to see one of their parents as disordered is incredibly unhelpful, even if, at some point, we need to guide them through the truth. Those kids’ brains know that they have to continue to see this parent. They do not have the luxury of believing that this dangerous person is dangerous. Not if they want to survive it. Set boundaries with them so that they know that name calling isn’t ok, but also give them an out. Find a way to diffuse the situation so that they aren’t feeling the pressure to pick sides. It will stick with them. And in the end, it will give them the confidence to see THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS that you are the healthy, stable parent.

I’m sending you love, Concerned Parent. You are doing a great job, and you will get through this.