A common story told by those who have divorced abusive and controlling men is that they did minimal parenting – or wanted minimal parenting time – UNTIL a new partner entered the dynamic.

When a high-conflict ex suddenly expresses interest in more custodial time after entering a new relationship, it can raise questions about his motivations. Several psychological and practical theories may explain this shift in behavior:

1. Impression Management and Image Crafting

One theory revolves around the idea of impression management. When a person enters a new romantic relationship, they often want to present themselves in the best possible light. In the case of a high-conflict ex-husband, he may now want to appear as a more involved and caring father to impress his new partner. By increasing his custodial time, he can create an image of being a responsible, family-oriented individual, which could be important to his new partner. This newfound interest in being a more present parent could be less about a genuine desire to bond with the children and more about crafting a positive image for his new relationship.

2. The Influence of the New Partner

Another possibility is that the new partner may be influencing his decision. The new partner may have a positive relationship with children or may want to play an active role in your ex’s life, which could extend to wanting to be involved with his kids. Sometimes, a new partner may encourage increased custodial time out of a desire to help “fix” the relationship between your ex and his children or to create a sense of family unity. Whether intentional or not, the new partner’s involvement might push him to seek more time with the kids to meet the new partner’s expectations or desires for family engagement.

3. Power and Control Dynamics

In high-conflict relationships, it’s not uncommon for one party to use custody as a way to exert power and control over the other parent. Your ex may be seeking more custodial time as a way to regain or maintain control over your life or to stir conflict. He might view this as a way to “win” in the ongoing dynamic between you both, knowing that increasing custodial time could upset the current balance. High-conflict individuals often thrive on creating tension and drama, so by changing the custody arrangement, he could be trying to disrupt the current co-parenting situation or gain leverage in negotiations over future parenting decisions.

4. Financial Considerations

Custodial time often impacts child support arrangements. By increasing his custodial time, your ex could be seeking to reduce his financial obligations. Many custody agreements calculate child support based on the amount of time each parent spends with the children, so if he has more time, he could potentially lower his payments. This might not be his sole motivation, but financial incentives can sometimes be a driving factor, particularly if his new partner has influenced him to rethink household finances.

5. External Pressure

Sometimes, external factors such as family or social expectations can also influence a high-conflict ex’s desire for more custodial time. His new partner’s family or social circle may have certain expectations around parenting and family involvement. If his new partner has children from a previous relationship or comes from a family where co-parenting is highly valued, he may feel pressure to increase his involvement to align with those values or to maintain the relationship.

6. Competitive Parenting

Lastly, a high-conflict ex might view parenting as a competition. Now that he’s in a new relationship, he might want to “outdo” you as a parent, perhaps feeling the need to prove that he can be just as good—or even better—at parenting. This competitive mindset could be exacerbated if his new partner encourages or validates it. His sudden interest in custodial time could be an attempt to demonstrate that he is equally, if not more, involved in the children’s lives, driven by a need for validation or recognition.

 

1. Recognize that this is a very predictable situation. I knew that I had the biggest opportunity to make changes to our order when X was unpartnered.

2. Recognize that you cannot convince the new partner that ex is abusive. She will have heard horror stories about you from the very beginning and believe you are crazy or abusive yourself. She has to believe these things to stay in a relationship that feels so affirming to her at that time.

3. Profile the new partner. You are no longer dealing just with your ex’s disordered thinking. You now have to consider their relationship dynamic, her financial resources, her savior complex, etc. You need to understand her motivations so you are in a better place to negotiate.

4. Refuse to engage with her. I told myself early on that I would not meet a new partner. This pissed off my mediator who thought I could help create consistency between households if I worked with the new partner instead of him. But this absolves our ex of the parenting responsibilities they claim to want. If I filed for a modification, it would have been easy for him to blame her instead of the court seeing his actions for what they were.

5. I had a default email response I would use for the new partner when she would try to insert herself in our relationship: “I appreciate your concern and efforts to help. However, I prefer to communicate directly with X in regards to our children in order to avoid any confusion. Thank you for understanding.”

This is another situation where it is a lose-lose for you. If you engage, you are stuck in a triangle and setting yourself up for a 2 against 1 battle. If you don’t engage, you are blamed for not being nice and playing the role of good ex-wife. Society will sell you a narrative of bonus moms and happy blended families. And for situations where there isn’t abuse, that is lovely. For us, that is a fairy tale. It’s not a bonus mom. It’s a bonus nightmare. Refuse to be a part of the triangle.