A better Every Other Weekend Schedule

An “every other weekend” custody schedule is a common arrangement in shared parenting plans, especially after divorce or separation. Under this arrangement, one parent has primary custody during the weekdays, while the other parent has visitation rights on alternating weekends, typically from Friday evening to Sunday evening. This schedule allows both parents to maintain a regular relationship with the child, while also providing stability during the school week.

The Typical Every Other Weekend Schedule

A typical every other weekend schedule is every other Friday after school until Sunday evening (usually). This is two nights and two full days.

A Better Schedule for High Conflict divorces

The problem with the current every other weekend schedule is that the only person who ever sees the child(ren)’s behavior after the visit is the receiving parent. If your ex husband, for example, has the kids from Friday after school until Sunday at 6pm, you are receiving them exhausted and disregulated (I am speaking in terms of high conflict divorces because that is the women I work with). As a protective parent, you are likely getting them to bed on time and ensuring that they are fed. And while they may still go to school out of sorts, they are in your custody. It is nearly impossible to show that the behavior challenges are linked to dad’s parenting time.

I encourages my clients to talk to their attorneys about a slightly different schedule, one that preserves the same percentage of visitation time but that also allows for there to be eyes on the kids while in dad’s custody. I did this in my own case, and it helped turn the corner. Instead of Friday-Sunday, I suggest Saturday to Monday. One option is for the custodial time to end at school drop off. The other is at school pick up. The only real difference is who is responsible for school phone calls that day or dealing with a sick kid. (It should also be noted there are a few extra Monday school holidays.) If you are trying to show the court one parent’s parenting capabilities, it may be worth considering having their custodial time end at school pick up just so the school is having to lean on them during the day if needed. Document any behavior concerns or emails that the school sends on those days and use a graph if possible to show the number of Mondays where behavior is problematic (or in my kid’s case, panic attacks were happening at school). While this may make those days harder at school, the challenge as a protective parent is being able to show that things are not going well. There is little more than your word, which the court doesn’t seem to believe anyway. So while it may be harder for a child in the short run, being able to protect them and limit visits may be better for them in the long run!

Just Say No to mid-week dinner

Ugh, the mid week dinner. The worst thing to happen to family court since default 50/50.

The idea behind the mid week dinner is fine. It was intended to encourage frequent contact with the children and the parent. But, usually, Every other weekend with a mid week dinner is ordered in high conflict cases or cases where the court recognizes that one parent cannot handle the responsibility of 50/50 custody. Kids who have a manipulative parent already struggle with cognitive dissonance and finding their footing after divorce. Their disordered parent is telling them one thing and reality is telling them another. But because they are in self-protection mode, they have to convince themselves that reality is wrong. It takes time away from the brainwashing of the disordered parent in order to be able to regulate the nervous system and be grounded in reality. The every other weekend schedule, while not necessarily ideal for kids with abusive parents, should give a child 10 days between visits so that at least some of the time they can come out of the fog (which will let them find their voice). If they have a mid week dinner, the most they ever have is a week, which often isn’t long enough (in my kids this looked like: three days to come out of the fog and three days to prep for what’s coming).

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