My ex keeps asking for more time. What can I do?
Step 1: Define your desired Outcome
During the first step, we work to define what is concerning you about the behavior and what the ideal outcome would look like. For a parent who is constantly asking to change the schedule, the concern might be consistency for the kids. If you are concerned about safety, these requests for extra time can provoke anxiety. A healthy parent may also be concerned that the disordered parent is going to file for more custodial time because they keep asking for more time. All of these concerns help us develop the desired outcome.
For this example, we’re going to say that the concern is both safety and a fear of the parent filing for more time in the future.
Step 2: Educate about family court and disordered traits
In order to develop an effective strategy, you must educate yourself about both disordered personality traits and family court. While I am unqualified to diagnose any unhealthy parent or partner, many of the parents seeking my services relate to behaviors consistent with having divorced someone exhibiting Cluster B (narcissism, sociopathy, borderline personality) symptoms.
In this specific situation, understanding the way that unhealthy parents want to create drama and arguments over what matters to you is an incredibly important step. Here are some Books to Read after Divorcing a Narcissist. If you say no to a request over additional time, it is likely that the unhealthy parent cues into that as a possible target for ongoing conflict. You will see how this matters when we discuss strategy.
Another important topic to educate yourself on is the realities of family court. 50/50 arrangements are seen as the default in most jurisdictions, even if there aren’t state laws requiring it. If a parent is expressing interest in a more equal parenting plan, the courts will likely, at minimum, hear that request.
Step 3: Brainstorm solutions
Now that we have identified the desired outcome and discussed personality traits and the family court system, it’s time to get creative! During this step, all we are trying to do is get unstuck and start to see that we have many options available to us. It may be tempting during this phase to leave out options because you don’t like them. I would challenge you to keep them on your list as you brainstorm. During the next step, you will pick a strategy that best suits your situation. And as you refine, you may come back to this list to try something new.
For a situation where an unhealthy parent is requesting more parenting time, here is a list of possible solutions.
- Say No to all requests for more time.
- Say No to all requests for more time but express a willingness to consider future requests.
- File a Motion requesting the judge clarify the order.
- Say Yes to all requests for time.
- Start offering more time.
- Start offering more time and express frustration when he doesn’t take the time he’s been offered.
This list is not exhaustive. See if you can come up with some of your own ideas.
Step 4: Develop a Strategy
We’ve gone through the steps and identified several paths forward. Now it’s time to put it all together. This step requires embracing a curiosity mindset. This basically means that you are going into a situation with questions and wondering what will happen rather than being afraid of the What-ifs. There is no right answer! In fact, I would suggest that I probably did all of these in my case! I’m going to analyze each of the options.
Say No to all requests
This seems completely logical if you are concerned with the safety of your children. However, when we apply our education step, we start to understand why this might be a problem. A disordered personality is going to latch on to any “No.” It’s a challenge. It’s an invitation to a fight. If your desired outcome is to minimize requests and stop the fight over more time, this is unlikely to help you achieve your goal. Furthermore, many states look at both parents’ cooperation in timesharing. If you always deny time, you can be labeled as controlling and uncooperative.
Say No to all requests for more time but express a willingness to consider future requests.
If you are going to deny requests for future time, this is likely a better approach. You are still denying the request, but you are doing so in a way that appears cooperative. You can also appeal to the disordered parent’s ego by saying things like “I know that you value consistency” or “Because you want what’s best for our kids.” Even if you don’t believe it, project positive traits onto the disordered parent so that you reduce the conflict. The disordered parent may continue their pursuit, however.
An email template might look like:
“Dear [parent],
Hope you’re doing well. I wanted to reach out in response to your recent request to take the kids on your noncustodial time. I appreciate that you’re interested in spending more time with them, but unfortunately, I’m going to have to say no for now.
As you know, we have a custody agreement in place, and I think it’s important that we stick to it to maintain some consistency for the kids. I don’t want to confuse them by changing things up too much.
I know this might be disappointing for you, and I’m sorry for that. I’m definitely open to talking about things in the future if your situation changes or if you have any other ideas for how we can adjust our custody arrangement to work better for all of us.
Thanks for understanding, and take care!”
File a Motion requesting the judge clarify the order.
You always have the option of going back to court. And the family courts have their place in this marathon. However, court is expensive. In this case, the court could clarify the motion, and the disordered partner may continue to do exactly what they have always done. You are still going to have to find a way to manage the situation on your own. Additionally, going to court exposes you to the potential that he will get more time through a court order. Use court with caution – and once you have solid evidence to present.
Say Yes to all requests for time.
Just like you have the option to say “no,” you also have the option to say “yes.” And for those of us who are conflict averse or accustomed to giving in to our ex’s demands, this can be very tempting. It *is* an option, but it should be considered carefully and only done strategically, not because you are used to ignoring your own wants and needs.
Start offering more time.
You might not see a difference between saying “yes” all the time and offering more time. But they are different! With this, instead of waiting for the disordered parent to ask, you are being proactive. You are taking the fight to him and forcing him to do what he says he wants, which is time. Because we know that these personalities often want the fight more than the actual request, we are creating a different fight. Many parents find that once they start asking the unhealthy parent to take time, they no longer do.
I know this feels scary. I can still feel the fear when I started to do this. But it can work.
Start offering more time and express frustration when he doesn’t take the time he’s been offered.
This is a variation on the above. When I first divorced, I told my ex-husband that I was frustrated when he didn’t take his scheduled overnights. I wasn’t really, but I wanted him to think it was annoying me. He did not take overnights for an entire year. It was a strategy that I was pretty sure would work, and unfortunately, I was talked out of listening to my own instincts about my case. I wish I had done it more, sooner. Offering time was one of the keys to my long-term strategy – and it was effective.
Step 5: Assess and Refine
It takes time to see if a new strategy will be effective. I recommend giving it three or four months to see a change. It’s also important to remember that when we try something new or set different boundaries, it can increase certain behaviors in the other person for a time, but then they burn out.
During this phase, you are keeping a curiosity mindset and collecting data. Once you feel like you have enough information, you can either continue, refine, or try one of your other ideas.