Brooke’s Family Court Story
Name
Brooke
When did your family court battle start?
2016
How long did you fight to protect your kids in court?
5 years
What professionals were involved in your case?
CPS, child therapists
Do you think those professionals helped your case? Why (not)?
No. The therapist did testify on the children’s behalf, but it didn’t do much. CPS hurt our case by accusing me of coaching the kids’ allegations.
What did you hope would happen when you first divorced?
My ex husband told me that if we got divorced, I would never see him again. He once made me sign something he called a “holographic postnuptial agreement.” (That should have been a sign he was crazy.) But he was a pathological liar. I couldn’t believe anything else he told me, so I don’t know why I believed that. I initially created a visitation schedule that limited overnights. I wanted to protect the kids. I also was protecting my ex husband. It took me a while to realize that weekly schedule was a mistake. I thought he would get bored. I thought the kids would disclose and someone would do something. It took me years to realize that no one was coming to save me.
What unexpected challenges did you face in family court?
When I filed for modification a year later (when he didn’t disappear), I expected him to settle. I also thought that my binders of evidence would be enough. But they weren’t. My ex husband had a new girlfriend who was managing his case. I no longer was in a custody battle with my ex husband, someone I knew very well and whose chaos I could predict. I was now up against someone more articulate who had no idea what she was involving herself in.
I also expected that when CPS was called by mandatory reporters (therapists and the school) that something would happen. I expected that I would show them information and evidence and they would believe me. I didn’t expect that they would use that evidence – and my question about when the report would be finalized – to craft a narrative that I was making things up. (One of my children’s abusers later admitted to the abuse so I know they were telling the truth.)
In my modification, my judge called me out for not liking my ex husband. This was a man who threatened to kill me and my children. I divorced him FFS. The idea that I was supposed to now enjoy his company was absolutely mind-bending. I couldn’t believe that the court expected me to be friends with this man.
What tools did you use that helped (or hurt) your case?
I credit Our Family Wizard for helping ensure that my ex husband did not get more time during our modification. My ex husband rarely logged on to the platform, which was documented in the logs maintained by OFW. My ex husband often claimed that he did not get legal information, but I could readily point to OFW and all of the information which was there.
I also used the information in OFW to create graphs for the judge. I made one that showed missed visitation (my ex took less than half his time), and I made one that showed lack of participation in the kids’ activities.
What were your wins/losses in Family Court?
I was able to get a signed separation agreement that became my divorce decree. This initially limited my ex husband’s custodial time.
I lost my move away order, even though I had a statement from my ex husband allowing me to move. However, I won the counterclaim asking for more time and removing my final decision making. My ex husband also was required to pay me back child support (which I believe he only ever paid up because of Covid relief paid through the federal government).
My ex husband’s parental rights were terminated 5 years after our battle began.
What lessons did you learn that would be helpful to others?
It’s not about being right (or getting the court to see that I was right and protecting my kids). What mattered most was getting my kids out of that situation. Once I shifted my strategy from needing validation from others that this was wrong and instead focused on who I knew my ex to be, our case started to dramatically change.
The court needs evidence (and will trust evidence that isn’t from you more than your own). Our weekly Sunday visitations were maybe less disruptive to school, but they also prevented anyone else from seeing how disregulated and distressed my kids were when they were at their dad’s. When I was able to get visitation changed to more nights clumped together and longer breaks in between, all the sudden, other people started to see what I had been describing for years. I had documentation.
Charts and graphs were my friend. They made it so much easier for the court to see the actual visitation and prevented my ex husband from getting more time.
What advice do you have for others going through divorce or a child custody battle?
Find the humor in the situation. As long as I was afraid of my ex husband, he continued to have power over me. Once I started laughing at his emails/texts/BS, it made it far easier to be strategic and for me to see how small he really was.
Find people who get it. If they haven’t been through it, they likely won’t understand how distorted family court is.
But also, find other things to fill your time. Even now, a few years out from family court, I can’t spend all my time on groups and pages about divorce. It becomes overwhelming, and you can find yourself convinced that the system is so broken that there isn’t a way out. You have power (it might just be outside family court).
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