Finding One Mom’s Battle and Divorcing a Narcissist

As my world began to unravel, and I started to question everything that I believed about my family and the previous ten years of marriage, I started researching. The problem was that I was terrified of X. He seemed to know where I was, what I was doing, and who I was talking to AT ALL TIMES. How was I going to research my situation without him finding out (just as a PSA – if you are worried about how to google without enduring the wrath of your husband, I give you FULL permission to read that as a huge RED FLAG and get the hell out of there!).

I wasn’t sleeping much as it was, my anxiety about the situation growing. The problem with waking up to the reality of an abusive marriage is that once you are aware, you have to do something about it. You CAN stay, but even that becomes a choice once you are cognitively awake. X liked to stay up until the early hours of the morning before going to sleep. So I would wake up about 4 am, sneak downstairs, curl up on the couch, and hide under a blanket so he couldn’t see the websites I was visiting if he did wake up. I wasn’t certain whether there was a keylogger on my phone monitoring my web traffic – I considered it at least a high possibility. But I needed information, so I took the chance.

I don’t remember how I got to narcissism from my search terms. Despite growing up in a toxic and abusive family system, narcissism wasn’t a word I was particularly familiar with. Boundaries were definitely not a part of our vernacular! One of the websites I found was Out of the Fog, which helps those whose family members have personality disorders. I read a lot of personal stories there, which finally gave me the words to describe what was happening. It’s one of the reasons I share my story. Reading academic text is fine, but it’s others’ stories that truly connect us and help give us the strength to make different choices.

One Mom’s Battle

One early morning, I found Tina Swithin through One Mom’s Battle and her book Divorcing a Narcissist. While I was becoming aware that there was probably no way forward in my marriage, the One Mom’s Battle blog showed me what I would likely face if I decided to get a divorce. X had sent me something he called a Holographic Postnuptial Agreement that gave me full custody and all of our assets. But I didn’t trust anything he said anymore, and I didn’t know how the court would intervene even with that document. X also said on several occasions that if we got divorced, the kids and I would never see him again (spoiler alert: he lied).

I’m going to jump ahead a bit in my story, and I will go back in another post and fill in the gaps. After I asked for a divorce, I scheduled a call with Tina. I didn’t know what a divorce coach was. In 2016, I don’t think that’s what we were calling them. All I knew is that she had been there and that I needed validation. A LOT OF VALIDATION.

Some people use divorce coaches regularly. That wasn’t quite my strategy. I needed someone to hear how crazy things were, let me know that I wasn’t out of touch with reality or overbearing for wanting to protect my kids. I also found that Tina Swithin knew strategies and techniques (like asking for a nail test instead of just a hair follicle test for drugs).

When my ex-husband’s parental rights were terminated, one of the first phone calls I made was to Tina. I think I was a blubbery mess! I wanted her to know that I was free and that I couldn’t have done it without her.

Tina and One Mom’s Battle now train others to become high-conflict divorce coaches. I am certified through her program, the High-Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program. Tina has taken the knowledge she has gotten from One Mom’s Battle, from Divorcing a Narcissist (Sociopath) and made it accessible to many more of us. I have the knowledge of my own divorce and family court battle, but I also have the collective knowledge from Tina and all of the other high-conflict divorce coaches who have been through the program.

I will forever be grateful to her for sharing her story, for finding her one early Spring morning, curled up under a blanket, not knowing where to turn.

What are the Best Books to Read after Divorcing a Narcissist?

Divorcing a narcissist or other difficult personality type can be extremely confusing and isolating. It may also be easy to think that the hard part is over, that he will finally leave you – and your children if you have them – alone. Often, it’s only just the beginning.

When I left my disordered ex-husband, I was just beginning to untangle the ten years of marriage to understand what exactly had happened to me. I wanted to be sure I didn’t do it again! So I started reading everything I could about narcissism, psychopathy, and healing. These are some of my favorite resources. I also have a page dedicated to book recommendations when divorcing a narcissist (Click on the image to go to Bookshop.com to order)

Lundy Bancroft has become a world-renowned expert on domestic violence and abusive men. In one of his most well-known books, Bancroft explains the psychology behind controlling behaviors and gives advice for how to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship.

Shannon Thomas‘s book was life-changing for me. I have read and re-read this book (and if you listen to Audiobooks, it sounds like a therapist giving you personal, healing advice). For many people who have been in narcissistic and sociopathic relationships, it can be nearly impossible to describe what has happened to you. There are not always physical marks to explain the abuse. In Healing from Hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas helps unravel the psychological damage and abuse, making you feel both validated and stronger as you heal.

Not every high-conflict divorce involves a sociopath. But many, many do! And while the word has become over-used to describe every toxic individual, there are more sociopaths in the world than we would like to believe. They are not all in jail and do not all engage in the types of crimes that make for a good Netflix documentary! The Sociopath Next Door is such an incredible book, giving insight into the psychological minds of the disordered. Having the knowledge of how personality-disordered individuals think will help you make better decisions as you face divorce and child custody decisions.

You might think this book would have been a better read BEFORE you met your ex-partner, but it still has invaluable and practical advice! I think it is a great read for anyone who plans to date again, for one. But I also think it can help you profile your ex-partner, which is an important part of the post-separation divorce process.

While most of the other books are focused on the disordered partner, this book is focused on those who have survived them! Shahida Arabi‘s book provides practical advice for setting boundaries, engaging in self-care, and empowering yourself to reclaim what you may have lost.

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