I didn’t know I was in an abusive marriage

I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years. But I didn’t know it.

On February 18, 2016, my life changed. I woke up, or I pulled myself out of the fog, as they say in narcissistic abuse communities.

X and I had a startup together. At one point I walked away from running it, but eventually, I got sucked back in, managing the day-to-day operations, trying to secure funding, and giving away all of my money to my partner to fulfill his dreams. As a startup founder, I was invited to a local networking group that met weekly-ish. That February morning, I dropped the kids off at school and rushed into town to meet up with the group.

Several years prior, half of my face had been suddenly paralyzed (a couple of months after my house burned down and a few weeks after my first son was born). It wasn’t a good year! When I got to my networking group, one of the other founders also had Bell’s Palsy, the facial paralysis. While we talked a bit about business, I also talked to him about what helped me and my own health journey after.

I left the co-working space and walked out into the chilly winter day. My plan was to get in my car and head home to work. As I was walking down the street, I was thinking about how to hide this meeting from X. I knew he didn’t like it when I attended.

What if he finds out?

Those words initiated the alarms in my head. It was as though the batteries to the smoke detector had been dead for far too long, and that phrase was a brand new rechargeable set that alerted me to the fact that the fire was in the building.

What if he finds out?

I stopped and stared at the concrete. Was I in an abusive marriage? Was I in a controlling relationship? Was my husband creating fear and doubt in all of my relationships to isolate me so that I would depend on him, and him alone? Why would he get mad at me for attending a business meeting, especially one that was for the benefit of his company? In part, he didn’t want me attending alone. Wherever we went, it had to be together, always in sight of X to monitor my movement and behavior. Part of it was that he wanted to be the one invited. The product was his idea. Why was I the one to be asked to join the group? But mostly, it was because there were men there.

I was in my mid-thirties. Why was I not allowed to speak to other men?

This was my aha moment, the one that shifted everything else that would come after. It was the moment I started to question if I was in an abusive marriage. It was the first step in getting out. It was the thought that had me retracing the previous ten years, sifting through my memories looking for every red flag as though I were a contestant on Double Dare on Nickelodeon.

I believe our lives are made up of critical junction points that define our Befores and our Afters. That day, that moment, that thought, was one of the most important pivot points of my life.